itslastcall

5 Reasons You Haven't Posted in a Year...

2010-10-05T13:53:00.004-05:00

1. A man asked you to marry him. (yes, this did happen over a month after my last post, but I wasn't a daily poster anyways so :P::::)

2. You had 5 months to plan a wedding that would knock the socks off all of your new family members AND would set a precedent for the 10 kazillion other weddings happening this summer.

3. Your wedding occurred just 2 weeks after exam period, leading to strange exam dreams on choosing the best wedding cupcake, new and chic wedding colour combination for the summer, and "3 Ways to Pass Off a Toilet Paper Gown" when and if you forget yours on the big day.

4. You moved. Twice.

5. (a) You have been trying to attain perfect housewife status (though you cannot understand where all the dust and dirt comes from, considering you just swept last Thursday.)

(b) You got a puppy that is longing to be house-trained.)

Nov. 15th, 2009

2009-11-15T20:18:00.000-06:00

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYtk1Z0UUuE

2009-08-24T11:18:00.002-05:00

It's funny.

Sometimes I seem to believe that God has been created for me.

You know, designed to meet my needs, pat me on the back, collect my tears, affirm me in every area, be the ultimate friend, the ultimate lover, always calling me, always pursuing me.

And though these characteristics are very like my God, there is something missing in the picture.

He isn't always at my beck and call.
These moments get to me, the moments when I'm frustrated with my failings, frustrated with my lack, frustrated with the world. and the phone STILL isn't ringing.
Why isn't my God meeting my needs? I mean, after all, that's what he's there for, right?

Well, (oh, the painful lessons)
in being the ultimate lover, the ultimate friend, the ultimate father, God does not always meet me where and how I expect (and even demand) of him.
My God is wild and I can't wrap my head around him.
He doesn't do things to the rhythm of an equation, he doesn't always meet me where and when I want him to.
He doesn't always pat my heart and soothe my fears the way I want him to.

This is a hard place to be, broken hearted, and longing for intimacy with my Lord. Yet, I'm always reminded in these desperate times, how feeling passionate (although frustrated) is better than no feeling, no contending, no working out. Is this his way of reminding me how I just can't live without him? Is this his way of reminding me how I'm just not complete without him in my life?

Working out my salvation... working out my relationship with my Lord God... it's hard work, painful, sweat and tears, and yet the joy (these shining glimmers that seep through from some heavenly place) pushes me, thrusts me on.

I must persist.
I cannot abandon this.
I must allow his love, his wild, unpredictable, yet undeniably GOOD love to woo my heart.

I have faith that this battle will one day be over,
and I will see clearly the face of love, and the lover of my soul.

2009-06-01T12:59:00.003-05:00

When you stare at the sun (even for a moment) it's hard to see anything else afterward.

When you stare at the Son (even for a moment) it's hard to see anything else afterward.

It can be a little frightening because you're not sure what will happen.

And you've heard warnings all your life.

You'll lose your vision staring like that.

But maybe I want to let go of my vision. And grab hold of a new one.

The blinding light that steals my own sight and forces me to rely on a new way of seeing the world - unfamiliar and vulnerable - not knowing where my steps are taking me.

but maybe I can trust Him.

After all, He is the author of every good thing in my life.
My own vision would have taken me so far away from this place I find myself in right now.
I wouldn't trade this place for any other.

So I'll continue to stare at the sun,
despite the liars whispering around me reminding me I'm losing my control.
I smile because it's true. And it's the safest place to be.
No strength but what He gives.
And no vision, but what He sees.
And absolutely no safety but the faith I have in His good plans.

Infinitely better than mine.

Small Things

2009-05-19T12:07:00.004-05:00

I am so blessed. I feel that I am blessed beyond comparison.
This has been such an amazing month for me.
I've been overwhelmed by God and his goodness, his gifts, his presence, his encouragement for my life.
I'm not sure how I deserve to be so rich in all things that matter, but it seems to be the way this spring season has started.

And yet, I can't help wonder again and again why I, of all people, am on the receiving end of so much love.
Who am I?
Why me?
Why not the next lonely girl?

There are so many people in this world, down your street, down mine, living their lives feeling completely alone.
Their feelings are justly so, as they are truly alone.

HOW CAN IT BE?

I want to love. I want to bless.
(no, it's not just that...)

You know what?
I want to be a person that loves first. that blesses first.

BECAUSE

What good is it if I only love those that love me?
What good is it if I only bless those that are in the position of blessing me?

Then it ends with me.

I don't want the fruit of God's love to die in my hands, selfishly hording it, gorging myself on it, and never scattering seeds, never seeing new fruit.

What good is my loved one's investment in me if I don't in turn love?
They might as well be hiding their cash in their mattresses.

I can only offer what I have.
Yet God has blessed me beyond comparison.
I have much.
What can I do with it?

I'm glad God is big enough to use small things.

May May May i speak?

2009-05-18T19:15:00.010-05:00

it's more than i can contain
more than i can maintain
am i big enough for this?

and who am i anyways
working towards something bigger than me
working for something i can't see...

...just hear

and i hear you almost everyday
not sure of all the ways
i hear
but you do, do, do talk to me

and I'm sort of sure that you're proud of me
and I'm almost sure that you love me
and I'm pretty sure that I'll never do it all right
but I'm completely sure you'll be there on the other side.

so what can i bring
these small hands
tossing sand at
miles of sea

so what can i bring
these small words
chasing ideals
i can't see

so the picture is painted
it's bigger than i
and I'm looking up at the vast expanse
of this broken sky

and i know you want to work
and i know you have spoken
and i know you made plans
and I'm completely sure you'll be there on the other side.
I'm completely sure you'll be there on the other side.

My King

2009-05-04T07:36:00.001-05:00

It's Spring? Oh But!

2009-04-30T11:56:00.002-05:00

ooo Okay, it's been a long time, and I've probably lost my readers. My apologies.

Life has been a whirl-wind since being home.

Last night I shared at youth, and although I will always be second-guessing my approaches or points, I hope and pray that the kids got something out of it.

I shared about justice, my heart for it, God's heart for it, and even ventured to get some people thinking about what they can do about it. It's all such a scratch on the surface, but sitting there last night, in the silence while the kids were writing, I realized I was currently doing what I had been wanting to do. I was moving information.

So currently I'm looking for a few things.

1.
I'm looking for ministries that are currently working in our area that have needs; specific needs for specific materials or skills.
I would love to collect that information and if you can help me out, PLEASE DO. Anything you can think of or have heard about... pass it on.

I know I can't do anything alone.

2.
I'm trying to "collect people" in the sense of this:
I want to know if you are interested in helping according to what you love to do.
(please don't volunteer to do things you can't stand doing)

I am such a big fan of doing what you love. It's becoming more and more real to me.
If you want to make a difference, and don't know how, lets talk.
Seriously.
I want to "collect you" and your skills so that when I find someone who needs that specific something, I will only be a call away from making that connection.

I can honestly say I'm happy to be home in Niverville. It took a while, but I think my heart was simply jetlagged (...for several weeks...).
I'm so thankful for my community. I love you all very much.

REPLY NOW... GO... DO IT... NOW... DO IT... SEND....REPLY!

2009-03-18T14:30:00.005-05:00

Hey Everyone! I'm out of France, back in the Netherlands, and my flight leaves for home on friday! I can't believe it's all behind me now, but I'm really looking forward to sleeping in my very own room for the first time in... well a very long time. I updated my photos in my facebook album. Again, you can link to that by clicking HERE! Let me know if it works. (just click on the first picture and you'll be able to see a larger version of each by clicking on next)

See you on the flip side loved ones!!!

2009-03-15T14:32:00.002-05:00

Ahhh, Paris in the spring time.

This is my favorite photo of mine so far. I didn't want to post it on facebook because then they have the rights forever. Maybe someone will steal this on the internet. Ah well. I thought I'd share. I'd pay a euro for that postcard.

Here's the link to my facebook album (you can still look at them, even if you don't have facebook): CLICK HERE!!!!

2009-03-10T15:48:00.002-05:00

Today Linda and I ventured off to Amsterdam again. This is the third time in the city for me... there is just so much to see! Today we went to the Van Gogh (actually pronounced Van Goggghhhh - like a real dutch "g" at the end there) museum... so amazing to see the paintings first hand and to get to know the stories behind of the man behind them! I really enjoyed it.

To finish off our time we checked out a small christian cafe that was recommended to me by David (a dutchie I met in Switzerland). It was so great! Great food, great staff, and MAN what a beautiful fun building full of art and "mooie"(which is dutch for beautiful) things. All the walls were covered by really beautiful fun mosaics. The bathrooms were so cool, with mirrors and glass and porcelain patterns all over the walls. I thought it was such a great place and am very thankful I took David's advice and checked it out. Maybe I'll post pictures of it later.

Tomorrow, Linda and I are getting up early. The last full day in the Netherlands is going to prove a busy one, with us taking a plane trip early on with Johan's father, who is a pilot. We'll see the Netherlands from the air which I'm seriously looking forward to.
Afterwards, Linda and I are headed out to Utrecht where we will sight-see and shop. We're meeting a close friend of Nicole whose name is Mel. She's going to take us to a highly recommended restaurant (Nic LOVED it). We'll hang out in the evening, and then at some point Linda and I will make the trek home. That's the plan. I'll let you know how it goes!

On thursday Linda and I leave for Paris. We've found a little hostel to stay in, thanks to Lenneke and her sweet investigative skills ;) . I have no idea what to expect from Paris, minus some very famous sights. I'm hoping to see more than just tourist traps, but even if that's all I get out of it, I'll be happy. I mean, it's the city of light, right? How can you go wrong?

Well that's the update. It's been so hard for me to keep this accurately updated. I mean, I haven't posted about our visit to Madame Tussuad's wax museum and getting absolutely freaked out by moving statues, or about when Gerlinda and I went to the science museum, or seeing tarot cards/Buddhist statues for sale in a huge cathedral (a little disturbing to me), or visiting Anne Frank's house and seeing her very own diary, or the shoes that i bought from the junior's section, or how embarrassed people are when I want to package up my supper at restaurants, or accidentally illegally riding the trains, or ... oh so many other things. Hopefully what I've shared has been enough of a taste for you all to know I've had an amazing time. :) I think at least that much must have been passed on.

Women and Children's Advocacy Centre

2009-03-09T15:11:00.003-05:00

Hey Everyone. One last post for March 9th, 2009.

This is a link I would love if you followed:

WCAC Home page

Since spending time in Burtigny, I really developed faith in the work that some wonderful people are doing there. (you know who you are ;) )

Their heart is communication. They want people to be informed AND to have ways to bring change. This is my heart as well.

In any case, this website is a great place to start if you want to learn more about critical issues facing our world right now.

If you're anything like me, you feel uninformed.

I've always felt that things were going on in the world that I simply did not know about. It upset me that school didn't teach me these things.

Yet, when given the chance, I didn't pursue the knowledge. Maybe I felt ignorance was bliss... if I didn't know, I wouldn't be reminded of how I wasn't being a part of the solution (not even in a small way). I don't know if that is you, but it was and to a great degree still is me.

It's hard to inform yourself... to find the motivation, emotional strength, and courage to face hard facts. Yet, isn't it obvious to all of us? If we don't know about it, or want to know, who will find out about the forgotten ones? If the church doesn't want to look at pain, who will answer their cries? We must understand their brokenness if we desire to answer them with the love that Christ offers, that Christ is.

Anyways, all that to say, this website is full of great information. I've actually agreed to partner with the centre and do some research for them. If you are interested in finding out more, please check it out or talk to me.

ALSO, if you feel like you would be up for praying into some of the critical issues men, women, and children are facing as we speak, please scroll down to about halfway to the bottom of the page. On the left side there is a place to click to sign up for the prayer guide. It says "stand with us in prayer" - you can't miss it!

It's very professionally done, inspiring, and informative.

If all you have is a minute to give, give it in prayer for the most needy of our world!

Women and Children's Advocacy Centre

2009-03-09T05:01:00.004-05:00

This was our Saturday (March 7th). Johan and Linda's wedding rings had come in so we went to Haarlem to pick them up. After shopping around Haarlem for a while (i bought shoes :D), we met up with another couple at the beach and took a bit of a walk. Afterwards we met at one of their houses for supper. We hung out, had hot chocolate, translated comics, and made supper and music. It was a good night :)

Again, these pictures loaded backwards, with the last first and the first last. Think about moving backwards throughout this day.

The dunes:

Me reminding Linda that the whole world is before us:
Johan and Linda entertaining me:
Ocean:
Happy me near the windy sea:

The two lovely couples:

Linda... need I say more?:
Posing:
This is in Haarlem... explaining life again to Linda ( i don't know if she believes everything I say):
Back Alley (there was a windmill in the far distance but I think the lady takes the show in this one):
Oh Yum! Eating stroopwafles! fresh! just made! the smell was uncomprehendable... soooo yummy:
Okay, this is in the morning... eating some biscuit that is traditionally given to couples when they know what they are expecting... pink for a girl, blue for a boy... i guess we're all having girls?:

2009-03-09T04:32:00.002-05:00

i also wanted to say this:

It seems that most dutch people do not believe that someone could get fat eating only cheese and bread. they seem to think a diet filled with almost only this is actually healthy. i'm baffled... especially as i see myself get softer and softer around the edges. Correct me if i'm wrong, but in Canada don't we try to limit our cheese and bread intake? I mean... fruits and veggies first right!? but it seems here, it's considered good health to eat Lots of cheese (the older the better... i agree) and bread bread bread.

Well when in holland...

So Linda and I are planning on leaving for Paris this thursday. We're planning on being there a week and then I leave for Canada on Friday the 20th. I'm honesly missing home now, but i'm so sad to leave Europe. I need to come back here.

2009-03-09T04:10:00.004-05:00

So these pictures are all backwards. I don't think that really matters. Either way, this is my small attempt to update you. I've been all over amsterdam and haarlem now, but these pictures are from santpoord-noord, where linda lives and i have been staying. all of the crocuses are coming up now.. not in the gardens, but in the lawns. i can't explain how beautiful it is. i'm a little sad because i'll be leaving shortly before all of the tulips and daffodils come out. the medians are full of them... soon they'll all be blooming.

This is lindas home... not to be confused with next door. i always have to look closely to choose the right door... but its a great little house. the stairs are lethal. linda lives in the attic and the second flight of stairs is pretty much straight up. i managed to get my entire breakfast AND a coffee up with me this morning. believe me, it's a feat.

There are woods nearby her house... we took a little bit of a walk in them yesterday after church. it was a beautiful day, windy like always, but the sun was shining.

Here is Linda and I posing on the flower-filled lawns:

The happy engaged couple:

This is the trademark windmill, 5 minutes from linda house:

2009-03-03T03:59:00.004-06:00

I forgot a few funny pictures.

Apparently people here park their cars half-way on the sidewalk so that cars can pass on the road. linda didn't think it was as funny as I did.

This is Linda and her very own car:

Down the road:

And last but not least...

We checked out the local thrift shop. I bought a few things but stumbled upon these:

Did people really wear these at one time? The original moon boots. Interesting (to me at least...)

2009-03-02T14:10:00.007-06:00

Hello everyone!

I am writing this from the Netherlands. Yes, I am here. It was a bit of a stretch for me, traveling by myself. I first took the train from Nyon to Basel. Stefan met me here and showed me around the city. We had pizza for lunch (they served my coke in a wine glass) and then we walked around. He took me to see a cathedral, and we went to the top of the bell tower. It was beautiful. The bell even rang while we were right beside it... a little bit unnerving. The bell was 3700 kgs ( 8140 lbs). Pretty big bell. Stefan said "when it dingles..." and I'm thinking "a bell like that does not dingle..."

This is the river Rhine, where boats go by shipping stuff from Germany and France :

View from the top:
Me being nervous by the edge:
huge bell:
Inside:

After we bought some groceries for our supper; pasta with pesto, and a chocolate fondue. :) yum.

Very Swiss:

So at 5 a.m. I was up and at 5:30 Stefan met me (and carried my backpack S:) for the 20 minute walk to the bus stop. He saw me off on the train and I set out for a full day. I had one change, which was tight. I had convinced myself I would miss it but somehow managed to find that track 11... how? prayer? it must have been God.

myself at approximately 7 in the morning:
I started talking with these two guys near me (mostly because I heard that they were aiming for Amsterdam as well). I was hoping they would carry my luggage for me. Peter (a guy from the workshop) had suggested that all I needed to do was twirl my hair and some guy would carry everything for me. When they saw what I was carrying they said I was "strong but still beautiful". However, they didn't offer to help. I guess I looked capable.. that's a good thing right?

The one on the left was from Bulgaria, looking to buy a car. He was a little funny... suggested a few places for me to travel to in eastern europe... said i needed to check out a place in romania where count dracula lived. He kept stressing "he was a real person!". His name was Dimitri. The one on the left was from Vietnam and his name was Dom... or Dum... not sure. sounded like Dum. I was a little nervous following him. He was doing the same transfer as me. Talked like he knew where he was going but I still don't believe it. His girlfriend lives in Amsterdam so he was on his way to see her. It was honestly so funny to eavesdrop on their conversation. I kept bursting out in laughter because of the funny combo of accents. Clearly Dimitri wasn't as impressed with Dom as Dom was with Dimitri. Funny.

Anyways, I finally arrived at Amsterdam Central. Waited for about 5 minutes... surprisingly calm. I wasn't sure I would even recognize Linda but then there she was and everything was suddenly okay.
We went out for Italian food in the evening with her fiance, Johann. I had four-cheese macaroni (just so I could say I had mac+cheese in Haarlem).

So that's it. I am safe and sound. We had a great day today, shopping around in Haarlem again. I bought some sweatpants. The brand is le coq sportif which i'm thinking means the sporty rooster. anyways, i was always making fun of Linda for this one hoodie she had. Now i have matching sweatpants. :)

We had coffee at this really awesome shop where they hire people with disabilities. they have all of these crafts for sale and a cafe in the back. i think it's such a great idea.

plus the coffee was great :)

I also noticed what seems to be some sort of dutch male identity crisis evidenced by the weirdest shop names:

Linda tells me it's just cool to use english in your shop name, but i didn't think being called a "sissy" or "not yet a man" would ever be considered a cool thing.

oh one last one:

Now, if that isn't Holland, I don't know what is. :)

2009-02-26T08:40:00.003-06:00

Thanks for all of your feedback! It's only been a day... it's so awesome to know so many people want to make a difference!

Anyways, feel free to keep emailing me about your interest; if you have ideas or projects that are already going on in town or ideas that are just in your thoughts and you want to work them out.

love!

# 100

2009-02-25T05:53:00.002-06:00

(this is my hundredth post)

People, I am so encouraged right now.

I've been learning about God's heart, you see. How he's interested in saving the world. It's a big plan, and I wonder, "What am I supposed to do about that?".

It's just that the problems go deep, branching into the very heart and mind of culture. How do I affect culture anyways? It's not tangible. It's an idea, and invisible structure of living.

I am coming home soon (it seems soon to me anyways), and I'm wondering if maybe my call isn't to change the "outside" world's culture.
Maybe it's to come home with a wake-up call, a call to change our culture, my culture.

I live a comfortable life.
I have a savings account.
Don't you?
Well, that's a luxury most MOST MOST! people can not afford.

I eat food, good Mennonite food, and go out to the movies with my friends.
I enjoy my life, exploring who God is, trying to find out who I am, and spending lots of time chatting with friends on subjects way over my head.

I sometimes see World Vision on Sunday afternoons when I don't have anything to do.
I sit there with my lazy post-church pre-metaschlop (how on earth is that spelt?) meal, oh so cozy on the couch.

I might shed a tear (or a few) because it's hard to watch small children look so very thin.

I shut off the t.v. when my food is gone, and I find another way to entertain myself.

-------

I feel so overwhelmed looking at the problems. I cry, and then I don't do anything.

Everytime I don't do something, my heart gets a little harder.

I think,

"What's the point? What can my little quiet cozy life do? I'm not equiped to change the world."

After all,
I don't really have the time.
I don't really have the money.
I don't really have the information.

OKAY...

1. I sleep approximately 9 hours a night - a luxury most working women in developing countries don't have as they provide for the needs of their families. I spend hours on facebook (lets not get into that one). I have my evenings kept free just in case my friends want to do something. I only work 8 hours a day (not 12... or 15...) and usually don't work overtime. I can chose to work overtime if I feel like having a little extra cash.

2. I work. I HAVE A JOB (this is huge!). I live in Canada where there are minimum wages... how much is it now? 8 bucks/hour? I don't even make minimum wage, pulling in over a months work for some people in an hour or two. I can afford to buy pretty clothes, movie tickets, gifts for my friends., plane tickets to foreign countries etc.

3. Google. Wikipedia. What else can I say?

------

I'm trying to get over my excuses. Why am I not doing anything? I'm not sure anymore...

What can I really hide behind?

After all, I have FAR more to work with than 95% of the world population.

Who is better equiped than me? Who is better equiped than you?

I'm hoping to come home with some practical application. Don't worry... I'm aware that big ideas are hard to work with. I know all too well.

But believe it or not, there are already people working out there.
Doing big things... and struggling without support. without my support.

Want to make a difference?

Talk to me.

I'm going to come home, and we can work out how to make a difference together. :)

Love, Crystal.

2009-02-22T04:53:00.006-06:00

Hello home!

So yesterday I was in three countries... we drove to Torino, and this took us from Switzerland, through France (we got out to say that we had been on french soil... also drove through mount blanc... that was expensive), till we finally got to italy. Italian drivers frighten me a little. A lot of honking and hand gestures. plus the parallel parking is crazy tight, leaving about half a foot between cars on either side. i'm just very thankful i wasn't driving.

We left early in the morning, and drove for about 3 1/2 hours one way. not very long in my books, but around here that's not considered a typical day trip. we saw so many beautiful buildings, a little bit of the Italian culture, and enjoyed some great coffee and conversation.

My "coffee-view" (i think Brittney H. has been here... was a bit weirded out about the thought that people from niverville have been in this place before):

Elaborate Catholic church in Torino:

Lenneke ignoring the social norms:

Thiery trying to figure out where we are (i think his style of navigation is just drive until things "look right" - it worked though!):

Our calling from God:
This last week I also had the pleasure of going to mcdonalds... I found it pretty interesting to pay 3.50 francs for a small fries.

They had the inside decorated like a sit-down semi-expensive restaurant, complete with large flatscreen t.v.s and chocolate brown/beige paint tones. it made me laugh and think of dall's (mel?)

This is david quittezing mcdonalds. he paid 2 frances for one apple pie

I think the place we went to was Nyon... the alps in the background and lake geneva here (Johnny, David, Brittney, Cynthia):

So its been busy... i also wrote a "3" page essay on what I believe... it's harder than you think. made a concordance with verses that have been important to me... and a few other things. i'm so sad when i think that our time is almost up here... it's gone by far too fast and I'm not sure I want to leave, but maybe it's best that i go before i'm sick of switzerland so that i only have good memories.

this saturday i'm planning on meeting up with stefan, a staffer from my dts, in basel, and afterwards i'll be taking the train to amsterdam to see linda. pray for me that i can get my act together with the train-ticket business... i'm a little nervous about travelling by myself. love you guys!

2009-02-15T03:16:00.003-06:00

Well its sunday and i'm realizing its been a full week of not posting. sorry for keeping all of you in suspense :)

this week absolutely flew by. we had an assignment which i had a little (bit too much?) fun with. we were asked to make a poster-type thing answering some questions dealing with "the face of me". questions like

what people groups are you focused on?
which millennium goals speak to you?
what are you doing now?
what can you do after?
etc.

we were given leave to be creative so i did just that... and i really liked what i made. it may be a bit cluttered, etc. but it's most definitely "me". i don't have a picture of the finished product but i'll see what i can do.

other than that, we just stuck around burtigny this week, learning and relaxing. the days were pretty full as we had lectures in the mornings and breakout sessions in the afternoons where different people would talk about issues that they have a heart for and experience in.

i spent my breakout sessions with a group talking about honour killings. check into it if you have no idea what i mean by that.

i can't believe my time here is already half over. the prospect of travelling around again scares me. for those of you who don't know, i'm taking a train to amsterdam after this. its a bit of a trip. i always seem to insist on doing things the complicated way. i'm reminded of my trip out to vancouver and deciding to take the bus rather than a plane.
i know it'll be worth it... i believe that trips like this, longer and a bit harder, help you transistion... help you realize that you are going to a different place. not just an hour in a plane. and of course there are all the things along the way that you wouldn't see sitting in a plane....

but enough of that. i'm not sure how to sum up this week. my thoughts are everywhere and i think it will take time to sort it all out. i'm praying that i don't forget the weight of everything by the time i've got it all figured out in my brain.

oh and maybe i should share something about myself at this point. we did a little something called "strength finders" which means basically i took a bit of a personality test and they told me what i'm naturally inclined to. my strengths were:

Individualization

Your Individualization theme leads you to be intrigued by the unique qualities of each person. You are impatient with generalizations or “types” because you don’t want to obscure what is special and distinct about each person. Instead, you focus on the differences between individuals. You instinctively observe each person’s style, each person’s motivation, how each thinks, and how each builds relationships. You hear the one-of-a-kind stories in each person’s life. This theme explains why you pick your friends just the right birthday gift, why you know that one person prefers praise in public and another detests it, and why you tailor your teaching style to accommodate one person’s need to be shown and another’s desire to “figure it out as I go.” Because you are such a keen observer of other people’s strengths, you can draw out the best in each person. This Individualization theme also helps you build productive teams. While some search around for the perfect team “structure” or “process,” you know instinctively that the secret to great teams is casting by individual strengths so that everyone can do a lot of what they do well.

Strategic

The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.

Input

You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. And yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If you read a great deal, it is not necessarily to refine your theories but, rather, to add more information to your archives. If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don’t feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It’s interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.

Empathy

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Intellection

You like to think. You like mental activity. You like exercising the “muscles” of your brain, stretching them in multiple directions. This need for mental activity may be focused; for example, you may be trying to solve a problem or develop an idea or understand another person’s feelings. The exact focus will depend on your other strengths. On the other hand, this mental activity may very well lack focus. The theme of Intellection does not dictate what you are thinking about; it simply describes that you like to think. You are the kind of person who enjoys your time alone because it is your time for musing and reflection. You are introspective. In a sense you are your own best companion, as you pose yourself questions and try out answers on yourself to see how they sound. This introspection may lead you to a slight sense of discontent as you compare what you are actually doing with all the thoughts and ideas that your mind conceives. Or this introspection may tend toward more pragmatic matters such as the events of the day or a conversation that you plan to have later. Wherever it leads you, this mental hum is one of the constants of your life.

SO if you didn't read all that....

the one that i find incredibly funny is "input". um, yeah, i collect. a lot of different random things. and i've never seen it as a strength. but there it is. they say that maturity is knowing when to use your strength. i guess i'm still growing in that area. i think overall it's pretty accurate. kinda interesting.

so onto a new week... please don't forget me in your prayers. i love all of you and miss you all very much ... although to be completely honest i don't think i'll ever want to leave switzerland. i've loved every moment. the people are so much fun (i lose my breath daily here from laughing so hard), the music is so good (did i mention i've found a few music buddies?), there is a girl here that absolutely LOVES giving backrubs (as in it brings her joy to have someone LET her give them a backrub... i didn't know these people existed), the food is amazing (i've been eating nutella every morning for breakfast :S, every lunch is enough for me to think if i died just then i would feel completely happy, I ATE FISH AND LOVED IT for the first time in my life, chocolate.), the scenery (we went sledding and it was so much fun, beautiful, and i saw a deer... a SWISS deer), and so much more. i could go on. maybe, if you're going to pray, pray that i have enough resolution to leave when i need to.

this is me playing in the snow:

2009-02-08T04:10:00.010-06:00

Hello all! Time for more pictures! (everything has just been so beautiful, i can't help but share.)

So yesterday was Saturday and a few girls decided they didn't want to be stuck at the base for the entire weekend with nothing to do. We checked out our options, and due to the immense generosity of some base staff we were off to Montreux to check out the Chateau du Chillon. It was a bit of a dreary day, but because we were lower down, beside Lake Geneva, it was more rainy than snowy.

This is what the view was supposed to look like:
and it was a little more like:
but we were not to be deterred.

It was a beautiful place despite the weather and actually quite a historic place. apparently lord byron wrote about one of the men that was a prisoner here? hey english majors, help me out here. know what i'm talking about?
So i got pretty lost after a while. I didn't realize how unorganized castles could seem... like a maze of rooms, corridors, vaults, etc.

We finally finished the tour, a little cold (some colder than others) and all pretty hungry. we checked out the courtyard and then headed out. it was beautiful and i can only imagine how wonderful it would have been if the sun was shining. but i'm trying not to think about that.

Geneva

2009-02-06T16:47:00.003-06:00

We took a trip to Geneva today to get a better history of the city, the reformation, and also a chance to speak with a couple of guys who are involved with human trafficking and the UN. Most of these pictures were taken around the same area; in the cathedral (which mixed different styles of architecture for those of you interested) and also the homes of some pretty big movers and shakers.
This is Johnny. Some of you may recognize the name as the one who was supposed to pick me up from the Gland Train Station. Well he didn't, but he did send someone on his behalf. Johnny is quite the character and has taken to calling me "Manitoba" in his dutch accent. Anyways, this is him getting in front of a great shot.

This is Sarah and I. Sarah is from Texas but she doesn't have big hair. She does however say y'all, which is really just cute. Sarah is a sweetheart who loves photography. She lives on the other side of my wall.

Jean Rousseau's house, just down the street from Jean Calvin.

So we've been learning lots, wrestling with lots, and talking lots. I've met so many people and I am so impressed that i can remember most people's names despite the language gap.

Tomorrow a few girls and I are hopefully going to take a trip to a place... i'm not sure, but i'm totally up for following. should be a good time cause lenneke's planning.

side note: surprised how much of my french is coming back to me. wish i could remember more. but very fun to try to speak to people. we sat by a 13 1/2 (the "et demi" was very important to her) year old girl named charlotte on the way home today and subjected her to various assults of attempted french phrases, most of which were met with "je ne comprends pas..." fun.

watched ratatoee (sp?) tonight, played pool, drank cokacola. played dutch blitz and generally relaxed. next week the real homework begins.

loving you all and missing you greatly... i live for the few messages and comments i get... well it seems like a few cause i check all the time. just wondering what's going on out there. so far all i found out is that i missed sushi but thats no great lose to me (just being honest). keep me informed! love you all!
c.

a little walk

2009-02-03T15:51:00.000-06:00

Remember, you can always click on the photo for a closer look.

Day One :

2009-02-02T14:52:00.003-06:00

Today was such an intense day. We had our first day of classes. It was great and hard and already things are speaking to the deepest parts of my heart. my chest feels tight and I feel rather like I've had too much coffee. It's been so good to see and hear and talk, and so hard to face my own apathy and ignorance. I find myself without excuse, but now aware and afraid I won't know what to do with my newfound knowledge.

We are beginning this workshop by first looking at the Face of God.

We went through a lot of scripture pointing to God's heart which is for the smallest, weakest, most defenseless of society. This base is heavy on the multi-media approach, which has been just awesome. It at the same time cuts right to the center of my heart. Seeing the face of a child as she speaks about what is happening to her, pleading her case, and questioning why no one is doing anything even when they know about her plight is very hard. I guess this is why this workshop is called "Justice Has a Face".

Our lecturer started off with a quote from Mother Theresa that went something like " God didn't tell you to love the world. He told you to love your neighbour."

These heavy issues, when presented, can see so vast and impossible. There can be such a sense of hopelessness. The fact remains though that each person has a case, and each individual is our responsibility.

I'm so disgusted with myself. I'm so disgusted with our country... our cheap distractions, our fancy cars, fancy dinners, fancy warm walls that disguise the harsh reality outside that says "there are 27, 000 children dying every day from PREVENTABLE causes".

We are asked "Who is responsible for these children?".

Is it the parents? Where are they? Is it the extended family? They have no obligations. The local churches need to find a quick fix because 60% of ministries for children fail in the first two years. The local villages are impersonal and are often unable to CARE for a child... and the responsiblity moves on. WHO WILL CLAIM THEM?

Who will claim the lost, the broken, the downtrodden, the outcast? Who will say "I care", "I hear your cries", "I will LOVE you".

Maybe we pass the torch to God, say "its just too heavy for me to carry". I know I have. I see the starving children and think, should I not eat my supper tonight? What good would that do them? I'll eat and then I forget their hunger as I satisfy my own.

We were reminded that the global church is ABUNDANTLY equipped, enough to completely eradicate hunger. The only thing we, as a global body, are missing is FOCUS. Can we work together?

We spend so much time in our churches, in our small groups, in our youth groups, in our quiet time looking for self-fulfillment, for something to give us "purpose" and "direction" when God's direction to us is simply to FEED, CLOTHE, VISIT, LOVE, HEAL, QUENCH, HEAR... "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." (Matt. 25)

"You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." (Ps. 10)

We turn a blind eye the to world. We say it's too big for us, its too much. I can't make a difference.
Do we not see the individual? Do we not see how a heart is softened by a mere touch? Will we not recognize that

WE HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER IN AND OF OURSELVES

yet
GOD CALLS US TO IT?

And if He calls us to it, he is faithful to guide us.

"He upholds the cause of the oppressed and gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets prisoners free, the Lord gives sight to the blind, the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down, the Lord loves the righteous. The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked." (Ps 146)

"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed.' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? IN the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." (James 2)

Find out what is happening around the world. Open your eyes. Make yourself aware. We have no excuses. I'm writing this for myself as much as you all.

love. c.

photo happy

2009-02-01T10:32:00.004-06:00

SOOOOOOOOO great to have Lenneke here! ain't she a beaut?

Lenneke:gnome:

more gnome:
gnome up high:
tree and cloudy switzerland:
je suis a burtigny, oui? c'est vrai, n'est pas? je ne comprends pas. :
house:
house again:
bonjour?:
filippa and moi:

Checking It Out

2009-01-31T08:41:00.010-06:00

Phillipa ( i have no idea how to spell her name correctly yet) and I went for a bit of a walk around the area. there are lots of cleared sidewalks going up into the hills, and we also found trails that go through the woods at the top of the hill. they look absolutely awesome and I'm hoping we'll go back when the weather is clearer because from up there we should be able to see the Alps to the south of us and Mount Blanc. It's pretty cloudy right now and i think rain is in the forecast but it's just under freezing which is so great to me. there are still leaves on the trees, green ivy growing through the snow!

our friendly YWAM cows (we get our milk fresh from the udder). i liked the white one with the curls. i now more fully understand the term:

You can see my window from the outside here. Its the first one on the left with a balcony.
View from above. like i said, pretty cloudy. i'm assuming that the mountains are filling up the big white part usually:

Beginning of forest:
Another (will be a great) view:
Fire hydrant?:

A house on the main street in town. a girl who presumably lives here pulled up shortly after these photos were taken :
the modern looking signs stand out in a very non-modern looking village:checking out the church (behind the huge tree):

very inspirational message:
the "theater"?:

so hopefully the next trek will bring us clearer skies and perhaps i'll have the forsight to wear shoes with traction this time. i completely wiped out (for the first time this winter might i add) pretty much three steps out of the building. so next time maybe we can take on some of those hiking trails. love you guys and thinking about you!

2009-01-31T03:10:00.003-06:00

my window:
view out the window down the hall:
View out my window:
here in one piece but seriously jet lagged:
my room:

cows that startled me ( i woke up to a moo today):

2009-01-30T08:14:00.002-06:00

I'm HERE! i just wanted to let you all know i arrived in switzerland in one piece along with all of my heavy luggage. i have a lot to say, a lot of funny people and stories to write about, but now isn't the best time. can i just say though, how BEAUTIFUL this place is! little Swiss towns... marge, the buildings look just like your christmas village. i cant believe it. and the mountains! oh.. and there are some cows outside my window. i was just startled by a moo. i need to get going, but i love you all.... and i'm here!!! (its 8:15 at home but here its 3:15 and i haven't slept yet...)

2009-01-28T08:58:00.007-06:00

8:58 - I must say I have only just now started checking out Etsy and i love it... i need to pack soon.

2:30 - i'm trying to come to terms with the idea that i might not be a light packer. i don't want to be that person... you know, that person that comes in with three trunks of stuff and two being shiped and on their way just for one month of life... well it isn't that bad. but i wanted my backpack like half full when i left and its full as we speak. ok. i'm just going to .. pray. talk to you later people.

4:44 - it's 36 pounds. on my back. can i do it? thats no so bad right... oh my.

10:14 - (i know its after 10, but i haven't quite decided on that resolution yet.) mel and i just got back from the city where i bought a super cute laptop cover (i tried to make one but... well, that's a project for post-trip life). ALSO got a Sudoku book that is just SOOO cute!(did i just turn blonde?) i love it. i'll take a picture of it. my last sudoku book became a bit of a journal for me, so i'm going to be keeping this thing for a while, keeping track of my solve-time (am i nerdy or what?) and where i am when i solve it. anyways, i had some tim's on an empty stomach and i don't think i'm going to be sleeping for a very long time... just too many thoughts. leaving at 8 a.m. from town tomorrow morning.

2009-01-25T21:46:00.004-06:00

I've never ate out as much as i have in the last week. thanks for blessing me friends!

So the time is almost at hand for my departure. i know its going to fly by because i'm still working for the next two days and then i have only one day to run errands and pack all that stuff i've been half-thinking about.

it's going to be so good to be on my way, buckled into that metal bird.

(does anyone else get creeped out by the thought
that there is NOTHING underneath them but a lot
of air and then
...
.....
ground ?)

so i'll try to keep this thing updated with whats going on and MAYBE i'll even post pictures for you guys. i know you all want to see where i am so we can all wonder together why we choose to live in canada.(be honest, at least you wonder in the middle of january.)

i had a great night tonight, having the fam over, AND hearing stephs sweet voice again. its so good to see everyone.
i also stood up in front of the church today and spoke. gah. i'm kinda happy agnes only asked me right before the service. i'm not much for that kind of thing. (at least i'm still telling myself that).

this trip feels like its a long one, although i know its going to fly by. i think that's because i have very little planned beyond the end of march and thus, my thoughts about my life only stretch that far.
my entire life is before me, and it's about 7 weeks long.

i'll try to write you guys a story on the plane ride. stay posted.
(am i going to regret saying this?)

try.

i'm on the verge of making a covenant with myself that i won't write anything public after 10:00 p.m. because usually i am embarassed by what i said come morning. thankfully this is being posted at 9:59 so i have absolutely no worries.

2009-01-23T22:36:00.001-06:00

What is one thing you can give and yet keep at the same time?

First one to get the right answer wins a really great prize! (i'm not sure what, but we'll cross that hurdle when we get to it)

go!

2009-01-19T22:01:00.003-06:00

"... The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." -james 5:16 NKJV

Hello all of you fervent righteous men and women out there. I bring glad tidings of great joy that will be for all of my townsfolk: I can work at the bank when I come home!!

I found out, slightly awkwardly, at our monthly teller meeting, and it's such an answer to prayer. Now I just need to deal with my thoughts that go something like, "but what if I never want to leave Switzerland?".

I was contemplating living in Switzerland tonight and I think it's probably not for me. I mean, where do people who live in Switzerland go for vacations? I would much rather live in a place where anywhere seems like a vacation (even if it's only 2 hours south of here).

All joking aside, I love my hometown. There is nothing like it. I've found out that we have a culture all of our own and it's not to be duplicated. I don't know where I would ever find such beautiful, fun... eccentric... people that get where I'm coming from. Can you believe that people even only several provinces away from here have no idea what a Mennonite accent sounds like? I know, it's a stretch, but believe me. I've been there and back again to tell the tale. It's just weird, nay?

There are other things I want to post about but I'm just going to try to make them short:
1. mel squished my face (mainly my chin) the other day and hours later I looked in the mirror only to discover my chin was bruised! thanks mel... she just kept saying "ooo... i want to hurt you!". it didn't hurt that much but lesson learned. it doesn't need to hurt to bruise.

2. I spent most of my weekend fun-time snowmobiling at our mentor retreat. I also spent most of my weekend fun-time looking like i was having the time of my life. and I was. the guys gave me a pretty hard time about all of my giggling. chasing each other through forests and jumping rivers just gets me all riled up.

3. we (meaning the youth mentors) played quelf and it was just so much fun. I don't know if there is some sort of code about this game... you know, things acted out won't be shared outside of the circle type thing, but it was hilarious. if you haven't heard of the game, look into it.

4. I'm beginning to think maybe my clothes will pack themselves... or I'll just deal with finding a change of clothes once I get there. Thoughts?

5. I never thought I was a morning person, but I've begun to realize I'm really not a night person. I told the other mentors that I am a morning person, but I just have a hard time getting out of bed for it. maybe if I go to bed earlier... I can get up earlier... hmmm.

6. I don't have a sixth. so goodnight! oh and wow, thanks for all the comments on the last post. you guys sure know how to make a girl feel loved.

It's the Final Countdown

2009-01-07T19:10:00.001-06:00

Well January is here, and that means we are now within the one-month countdown range till my departure. (I leave Jan. 29th, 2009)

This whole thing is a bit hard. I've decided that I'm not the type of person to get overly excited about a big trip. I find myself generally reserved about it, explaining what my plan is to others, and watching them get more excited about it than me. This doesn't mean that I'm not looking forward to it... but there are lots of things to consider. It isn't just a sweet U.S. road trip or two-week holiday to the Caribbean.

Because I made the choice to be gone for just under two months, it is costing me my job. I love my job. I love my co-workers, the work, the people that I see and have gotten to know. I feel connected to my community in a way that I've never experienced before. People recognize me. I recognize them. I like that.

Now, I knew my employers were probably going to hire someone to replace me, but it's becoming more and more tangible... visible... I'm being replaced. That doesn't feel very nice. I am still hoping to be able to get my job back when I come home.

Even though I like my job, feel very secure in it and want it back when I come home, I often remind myself that I don't want to make "bank-teller" my life career. If that is the case, I can't let security and comfort take the reins concerning what I do with myself. I can't miss out on opportunity just because I'm comfortable (and somewhat lazy) sitting where I am.

Listen to me; all of this isn't to say that I'm not wanting to leave. I was only just today thinking about how awesome it will be to be surrounded with people who have accents. I think about little details that I'm going to experience very soon, like the butterflies in your stomach when the plane starts being taxied down the runway and you know you can't get off or turn around and you are really truly going somewhere new and sensational.

It does make sense that I have mini panic attacks though, if we are to consider this to be God-planned. Which I do. I really believe this is where I'm supposed to be. So, wouldn't I be a prime target for a little fear-mongering.

Pray for me?

Jan. 8th, 2009

01. 02. 09.

2009-01-02T23:10:00.004-06:00

Lately I've had a strong desire to make a snow sculpture. Is that weird? Well I'm admitting it publically. When i was little, i used to make little snow sculptures but never on the level that I'm currently thinking of. It would be fun. What should I sculpt? How does one go about making a block of snow? What kind of tools does one use for sculpting snow? Will my neighbors been unimpressed?
I used to eat a lot of carrots when I was young. It was also a favorite passtime of mine to carve carrots into little people which you could find scattered about the house. I like to carve things. Whittle. How does one start something like that?
I just don't know.

Yes, this really is how I'm going to start off this year.

Wedding '08

2009-01-02T23:03:00.004-06:00

another great time of '08 - mel and e-rock got hitched and i was invited. love you guys.

pinawa summer '08

2008-12-30T21:27:00.001-06:00

Being in Pinawa this summer was one of my favorite times of my life. A deer licked my hand. Need I say more?

sour = sweet

2008-12-26T21:06:00.000-06:00

This is so weird!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miracle_fruit

Today is...

2008-12-24T07:43:00.003-06:00

Christmas Eve. Today is Christmas Eve. Why do I need to keep reminding myself this? SO different from when I was a kid.

a Very Merry Christmas...

Horton Hears A Who

2008-12-18T12:30:00.002-06:00

ENJOY :D

Good Morning Chipmunks

2008-12-18T07:49:00.003-06:00

December 18th

Well aren't you cute? News:

I received my plane tickets yesterday! yipee!
I also watched "Horton Hears A Who" and i highly recommend it. I cried a little, i was just laughing so much.
Now off to my early morning "meeting" (we're paid to eat tim horton doughnuts and talk about bank stuff... i like these meetings).

Eph 3:14-20

2008-12-14T22:42:00.005-06:00

A Prayer for the Ephesians (FORYOU?METOO!)

For this reason I kneel before the Father,
from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. (we're named after Him? are part of His family... under His leadership; partaking in the honour of relation to the Creator)

I pray that out of his glorious riches (he's got lots) he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit (our Helper... dwells inside us... intercedes on our behalf) in your inner being (power for what?),

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. (i could use some of that)

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love (finding my source-roots and support-grounding),

may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (is it bigger than this earth? does it reach beyong the universe? can you understand how much it covers?),

and to know this love that surpasses knowledge (more than i can figure, design, map, scratch, scribble out)—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (i've heard He's generous).

Now to him (OurGod) who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine (again, more than my little mind can wrap itself around),

according to his power (BIG)that is at work within us (in us? ),

to him be glory in the church (that's you and me brother, you and me sister)

and in Christ Jesus (Jesus = God's character GLORIFIED, brought to light, revealed, elevated) throughout all generations, for ever and ever!

Amen. (Amen!)

Strike that. Reverse it.

2008-12-12T00:33:00.003-06:00

December 12/08 1:06 am.

I wanted to put out a little (its a little long) edit for a post i made July 9th, 2008.

I'm not sure why, but I found myself thinking about it this last day especially and I was slightly bothered by it. Perhaps it was the careless writing of

"Jesus wasn't made righteous by fullfilling the law. In fact, it seems that Jesus, in pursuing his Fathers will, actually broke the law from time to time"

or perhaps because someone I don't know commented on it and i dont know how that person actually interpreted what i said.

I wanted to stress now, however late, that I don't believe that Jesus BROKE the law, but that He FULLFILLED it through His death; penalty paid. Justice arranged. Righteousness given.
Jesus showed us the true heart of God. He became man and showed us how God looks with skin on. However, Jesus didn't play to the tune of culture or man's idea of what right and wrong looks like. When Jesus disregarded "laws", i'm convinced that those enforcing these laws, busy staring at astonishment at His "unholy" actions (like healing people), were missing the heart behind such laws. They perhaps had become so absorbed with observing the law that they were missing the point, the LOVE, the relationship God is asking for. This was what i was intending to stress... not that Jesus had broken the law.

I believe that there are two ways to live out this life (feel free to disagree, i've been working this out in my head and readings and i think it stands); that you can either live under the law or live under grace. I think that people who do not accept Christ and even those that don't accept the fact that there is a law (right and wrong) will still be brought under the law in the end. The only other way to live is under Jesus' payment. This doesn't mean the law no longer exists, but that we have already been made right with the law. The law is still a reality for us, but all of our shortcomings have been covered by His suffering. This means that we are now free to experience relationship with the Creator of the galaxies, the Creator of every cell. How do you wrap your mind around that?

The Law isn't about being a "good person" or being a "bad person". That is a very limited way of looking at it. The law reveals what the heart of God is; something good and peaceful with a desire for proper relationship between others and Him. It is the only way to live a fully functioning life... the law reveals what is required to be in relationship with God. It reveals what is required to have righteousness (right standing) before God. It's a hard truth because the law doesn't stop at outward action but goes further, seeing the intentions, deceptions, corruptions of the heart.
This is shown when Jesus speaks about the fulfillment of the law in Matt 5. He talks about some major sins, things that we would obviously call wrong.
But then he goes farther... he talks about what is going on within a person. He addresses that... even these things affect our right standing with God.
What a high calling then! who can attain it? THIS is the grace given to us... the fulfillment of the law on our behalf, simply so that we (undeserving) can find ourselves redeemed to relationship with God.

It's all over.

2008-12-08T22:50:00.003-06:00

December 08/08

Hello world! Guess what? I finished my last exam. Okay, so my only exam. I know, I know... ONE EXAM? I only took two courses. I have no excuses. OH wait, I do... I didn't want to spend the money? time? Alright, moving on.

I thought I should inform you that I'm finished due to the fact that this stark reality is upon us... I not longer have anything to procrastinate from. I am no longer studying and therefore will no longer be so motivated to write.

You know, actually this might not be that dismal. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking, "Maybe the next time I post something, I'll actually think about it before I type. Maybe I'll pick a cherished topic, think, create an introduction, conclusion, and some good points inbetween. Maybe one day I'll do that... yeah... one day...".

Well, we'll see. Maybe I'll be content to just gab away. It is a bit of a release you know? Oh you know. I'm sure I haven't done much to hide the fact most of the time I type just to hear my own thoughts. And to avoid my textbooks (they mock, point pages, even cry out "neglect". drive me up the wall).

Till next time dear readers.

Really Long Weekend

2008-12-08T09:57:00.003-06:00

I got locked in the vault on saturday. It isn't soundproof though.

Take my world apart

2008-12-07T21:22:00.006-06:00

December 7th, 2008

I've been listening to this c.d. of mine for years now and its pretty special to me. most of the songs bring me back to monumental points in my life. i'm the kind that plays one song over and over again until that "time" has past.. then i have a hard time listening to it again. however i've found a new-old song and its really hitting me these days. thought i'd share.

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Music

2008-12-02T23:45:00.004-06:00

December 2/2008
I forgot to mention something: i've been singing. In public. Its... i can't tell you how it makes me feel, to be part of making music again. I ... don't really know what to say, at the risk of sounding absolutely lame. I love it. I love making music. There. I'm not trying to be cool. I wouldn't say it if it weren't true. I love making sounds that blend with other unlike sounds to create a combined effect that actually moves something deeper... the whole is more than the sum of its... ok. good night world.

Family

2008-12-02T23:03:00.003-06:00

I don't have a concise essay-like post to write for you. sorry.

There are a few thoughts mulling about in my head. I've felt strongly about various things this last week, and more than once have been moved to tears.

I'll start with my family. I am blessed.
What a blessing. I am blessed.
Do you know what its like to attend a family gathering where you are unable to name all in attendance?
I didn't, not until a cold november in 2004.
Do you know what its like to play cards with someone older and wiser than you, and not feel the need to speak (except to point out "you can't say i've never done anything for you")?
I didn't, not until a cold november in 2004.
Do you know what its like to feel free to confess your deepest hurts, slightest annoyances, and moderate day-to-day issues?
I didn't, not until a cold november in 2004.

Now I've lied. This all didn't happen in November. But this cold month in 2004 was the beginning of something slow, something warm, something invisible, melting me from the inside out. Its been so quiet... i don't even know how it happened. But i find myself these days awake early in the mornings or late at night, thinking about how undeserving i am.
I think about how many children never know love. I think about how many young women grow up alone, fending for themselves. I think about how many people don't know that they are worth respect, admiration, recognition, love. I think about how my life would have looked, how i would have lived, what i would have done without the family i find now all around me.
Why me? i have no answers to that question. Only the one statement: Love works.

One other thought before i try to sleep.
While watching a teaching with dear friends of mine, there was one short moment (it wasn't a crucial moment) where a man was asked to recite John 3:16. He said that he only knew it in his own language and proceeded to recite it. Two tears fell, listening to this man confidently reciting the well-known world-known scripture.
It reminded me of my time in Malaysia, and a little woman who went by the name of Deborah. She insisted that i learn how to say John 3:16 in Mandarin, and i did! it was a mess, and i'm not sure which words meant what, but i knew it and although any mandarin speaker wouldn't understand what i was trying to say, deborah was ecstatic to hear me fumble through the unfamiliar sounds.
Deborah would spend every day working... morning till night. i never saw her without a task at hand. She would arrive early at our drop-in, spread out all of her papers, and begin her daily study. I'm not sure if she had her own bible because she always used one of the facilities bibles. She spent her time translating and teaching herself.
She got me to confess i had received a small education in the french language and insisted i read out loud John 3:16 in french (which she of course had on hand in case she ran into a french speaker). She also (somehow) found out that i had been to Mexico, so naturally i was then required to recite the verse in spanish. Did i mention she recorded me doing this?
Deborah would spend (and perhaps still does) her evenings selling newspapers at a gas station nearby. She never stopped.
On our departure, she presented myself and several of my teammates with a laminated picture of the three of us in a studio (how she got that is another story!), complete with pencil-crayon coloured borders and several translations of John 3:16 carefully printed on either side. She also thoughtfully included on mine a blown-up copy of my pre-school picture which she had much earlier insisted on "borrowing". She, of course, saved a copy of this picture for herself. Why? To show anyone who would take the time to see the people she has met in her lifetime.
She was such an interesting little woman. I can still see her smiling eyes, little grey bun, envelopes and papers, rulers and pencils, and insane walking pace. Anyways, i digress.
My point is that there are people all over this world that are living their quiet unnoticed lives in the presence of the Most Holy Lord... serving him behind the scenes, all over, everywhere. The other side of the world. People are calling on his name, and He Sees Them! He sees Deborah, and even if i had never met her, he would still know her by name, know every small investment she makes in the lives around her. We are all connected, throughout the world, by this love, this relationship with our Creator. Perhaps these points aren't so unrelated after all... family.

New Direction

2008-10-14T22:57:00.002-05:00

So today I registered for a course... it took me all of 5 minutes to decide it was for me. This course is in switzerland. Yes, I know. awesome.
It's a month-long course with a focus on social issues from a biblical perspective. It fits in amazingly with my euro-travel schedule I've been working on (I'm planning on being gone from January till April, or until my money runs out).
I've been wrestling with what the purpose for me going to europe has been. I've been trying to hear God's voice while trying to work things out and haven't really gotten very far in sorting out GODS BIG PLAN.
However, I've very recently met a new dear friend who is taking this course. After speaking just a little bit about how I've been feeling concerning certain social issues, she mentioned this course she was planning on taking sounded like something i might be interested in. I'll admit, i didn't need to think long about it.
I would so appreciate your prayers on this, seriously. I've been trying to follow God, trying to hear his voice on which steps he would like me to take for this past couple of years.... its hard to have your neck so stretched out. i've been waiting, and it seems to me that this is right. please pray that i will continue to have peace (which i am feeling as of right now) if this is a right choice, and also that everything i need to do in order for it to happen would fall into place. Here is the link for more information on it:http://www.wcacentre.org/wcac/index.php/Training-Events/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=129&Itemid=58

Thanks.. WOoooo!

and it was finished...

2008-10-10T22:15:00.003-05:00

thankyou for all of your prayers for my exams. they serviced me well.

i found a quote in a magazine (these bearers of unmeasurable wisdom) tonight .

"it is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one's neighbor"
- Eric Hoffer, Ordeal of Change.

i don't know what he wrote, who he is, or anything about him... but i like this quote. it had a funny picture of an obnoxious neighbor.

now, our neighbors are pretty nice. i mean, between the taekwondo, miniture race cars, and peeping nannies, we've got it pretty good. i mean, we always know when we're doing something weird here because grandma braun will be sent over on behalf of umpteen other curious nannies to inquire or inform. its always good to know when we're upsetting the neighborhood.
and nothing keeps you on your toes like "do you know what kind of car my dad has?" and "do you know my name?" coming from the young man hiding behind the flower pot.
they are a source of apples, a source of noise, a source of leaves that somehow... moved... west. a source of information, a source of support, a source of minature baked goods. i like having neighbors.

(although i do miss tanning and singing outside in privacy)

2008-10-06T11:28:00.002-05:00

I've noticed a correlation (thankyou psych). when i read my bible in the morning, i do not complain as much as i do on days when i do not read my bible. Now this is rather significant for me as of late, my complaining has been driving me up the wall. even in stating this, i'm bothered at my complaint of my complaining... i think you get the point. its something i try not to do. the more i try, the more i complain. i try really hard, turn one way and then before i realize it, the day is over and i've spent most of my conversations on complaining... about the weather, about rude people, about not having any money, about needing to study, about wasteing time, about... nd the list goes on. there are other areas of my life where this battle rages... my good intentions (:) which eileen informed me, pave the way to hell) seem to make things worse. nothing helps. no conviction. no determined furrow of the brow, no cry to God. it all seems in vain.

and then there are the days when i pull myself out of bed, even 5 minutes before i absolutely need to, get some coffee and cereal, and sit down to read. today i read... and while i can't say that i haven't complained at all, i can feel that today is a thankfull day. its raining, but its not the dreary rain of "my life sucks", its something refreshing and cozy, a gift, and i'm reminded of many places that haven't seen rain in a very long time.

i read only half a chapter. thats peanuts right? some great christian i am. i mean, i didn't get up at the 7 o'clock hour i had designed for myself... more like 10 to 8. and that meant that i had to read over my bowl, which was pretty precarious today... a little tired, a little out of sorts, a little distracted. but i did catch this:

"Through him and for his name's sake, we received grace and apostleship to call people from among all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith"

" For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that if by faith from first to last, just as it is writeen: 'The righteous will live by faith.' "

Romans 1

so... there we have it. what can i say? my obedience, which MUST stem from a internalized desire to be obediant, comes from looking to God's face and saying, Yes.
Yes, i love you. Yes, i'm here to serve you. Yes, i want to hear your heart.

My faith, in its tiny capacity, is the seed that is growing, maturing, changing my heart. its not my heart that i need to change, its the seed that i need to foster. does that make sense?

all of my efforts to make myself better, all of the efforts directed at changing my heart are in vain. the only effort that can make a difference is to nurture the small seed of faith that brings obediance and freedom in Christ. The Gospel.

2008-10-05T19:57:00.002-05:00

just studying sociology... yeah... you know... by doing online personality tests. actually sounds pretty accurate, minus the laying down my life for the good of the world.. i mean thats what i aim for but you know... its hard being and INFP. (introverted, iNtuitive, feeling, perceiving)

Idealist Portrait of the Healer (INFP)
Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

Princess Diana, Richard Gere, Audrey Hephurn, Albert Schweiter, George Orwell, Karen Armstrong, Aldous Huxley, Mia Farrow", and Isabel Meyers are examples of a Healer Idealists.

2008-10-02T16:54:00.002-05:00

If anyone happens to read this before tuesday, October 7th, it would be absolutly appreciated if a small prayer was offered up on my behalf, as I have a rather large exam. This is my desperate attempt to reach out to my online community, whilst justifying a little procrastination. ok. I think you understand.

love you all, c.

2008-09-28T21:01:00.005-05:00

I love:
- soundtracks
- werthers originals
- hugs
- singing in empty buildings
- waking up hours before my alarm clock goes off, and knowing i can snuggle back up
- pretty paper
- cultural music
- green hills
- trees in the middle of fields
- friendly cashiers
- fried mr noodles
- playing an instrument
- mario
- warm wind
- many layers of clothing
- excel gum
- lectures
- tim hortons coffee
- massages
- getting up early to read my bible
- staying awake while reading my bible
- feeding deer
- snuggling with pets
- snuggling with anyone
- hot showers
- giving great gifts
- road trips (stoping where ever i want to on the way)
- "just the voices now"
- watching spiders catch bugs
- sandcastles
- exploring old buildings
- power failures
- gardens
- laughing babies
- so you think you can dance
- wool socks
- talking about the only truth
- bright stars
- rice
- thunder storms
- good smells
- cool pillows and warm blankets
- pan flutes
- tall trees
- rivers
- flea markets
- funny looking coffee mugs
- green
- red
- shooting around a basketball
- lip gloss
- green tea
- pretty jewellery
- little wood boxes
- reading novels
- being completely alone
- being in public crowds alone
- My Lord who gives all good things.

2008-09-22T22:45:00.001-05:00

I can hear thunder. It's almost 11:00. What a nice night. Sleep tight.

2008-09-22T19:46:00.003-05:00

Dear Blog,

I think of you most everyday. Usually they are pained thoughts. Oh, don't be offended. I do love you (most ardently). Yet the nagging at my heart to tend to you... well it gets in the way of other things. Like washing dishes. or walking to and fro. strumming my guitar. showering. studying. all very necessary things... and i feel guilty doing them. Its absurd! I know you want me to be productive, to bathe, to learn, and to generally enjoy my life. These feelings are pulling me apart. The need to write and the need to live a respectful life seem to be thrusting me in such opposing directions.

i'm often thinking of quirky little comments i can make to you; something to brighten your day and improve your opinion of me. The problem really escalates when, at the point of sharing these things with you, i simply forget the mounds of mental notes i've been making all day. how will you ever know how ingenious i really am? Its quite the dilemma. Most of my thoughts would take some working out, and since i haven't a notepad in front of me, often life-changing principles i have to share merely slip into the oblivion of my head, available in my dreams where they can only service me so much (as no real respectable person can take notice and assure me of my brilliance. only dream people. sad really.. i digress. i think.)

And so here i am again, seeking to entertain you with my thoughts. I'm afraid i've failed. Please trust i will try to do better next time. Perhaps i should start speaking into a recording device like in the movies. "Note to self, etc". It might seem odd, making my mental notes out loud at work. I'll have to find a better way. Until that time, adu. Rest assured, knowing my ardent love for you is still at work in my heart, causing much distress.

Faithfully Yours,
C

2008-09-17T10:45:00.002-05:00

If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - The Spirit of truth. The world cannot accpt him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him. - Jesus

It's so good to know that I have a Counselor of Truth who is with me.
back to school back to school back to school back to school back to school

"if truth is part of one fabric, then different levels of explanation should fit together to form a whole picture. Recognizing the complementary relationship of various explanatory levels liberates us from useless arguement over whether we should view human nature scientifically of subjectively: It's not an either/or matter. 'Try as I might,' explained sociologist Andrew Greeley (1976), 'psychology cannot explain the purpose of human existance, the meaning of human life, the ultimate destiny of the human person.' "- My Psych Textbook

2008-07-09T07:41:00.003-05:00

Galations 2:21

"I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

~ The grace of God is that we have been given the opportunity to once again establish unhindered relationship with the Father through Christ's death and the power/guidance of the Holy Spirit. It struck me this morning that even Jesus wasn't made righteous by fullfilling the law. In fact, it seems that Jesus, in pursuing his Fathers will, actually broke the law from time to time. Jesus wasn't made righteous through "the law", but through the relationship that he had (and has) with the Father and the Spirit. We are invited to find ourselves in the same boat, called righteous through our faith in God's grace and the love for Him that follows. ~

Galations 3:6

"Consider Abraham: "He believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness."

2008-05-27T22:53:00.001-05:00

p.s. my work is offering full-time work to me all summer, plus i got a fantastic raise. PTL ATT

2008-05-27T22:37:00.002-05:00

This most recent phase of my life has been a very interesting one. unique.

i don't feel profound, i don't feel like i have anything of worth to say. i used to have pat answers. i used to know it all. and it worked for me. i feel like now i'm at ground zero, hashing through all of my thoughts, all of my training, all of my "christian literature"; all of these things are swimming around in my head.
we're searching for the truth here. lo and behold, i find myself reading my bible and being blown away.
this is it.
there is something so simple, so profound, so... lifechanging. i want it. i need it. i want the christian life.

so i've been at a loss.(how?) i want to share something profound, pass it on, but i feel so incapable. i feel like a child, knowing i'm not quite understanding what the big kids are saying, yet feeling the need to interject my thoughts, get some feedback, and hopefully some encouragement.

this has been a desperate time and i like that. my complacency was left back there somewhere, some place in the last few months. it was slow to leave. this desperation was slow to grow.

what do i do with it? the only thing i know to do is wait on God. read his word. and ask for more. more more more. i want more. i want to know the God i serve. i want to know who i love. i want to know how to love others. i want to know how living by the spirit fulfills all demands the law makes, demands i can't achieve without love, without him, without this life lived by Christ Jesus.

i want to know how to GIVE IT ALL UP, give ~~it all~~ nothing up.
what i have is nothing, and what He offers is something.
and perhaps He offers everything.
i believe it.

i turned 21 on may the fourteenth. its been a great year so far.

2008-03-28T14:23:00.002-05:00

heres the deal yo

i've been finding myself more and more interested in beomcing a midwife. it seems to me to be a good fit... lots of one on one interaction, personal, counselling involved, supportive role, and also MIRACLES! a baby being born... wow. beautiful. something that i am completely and utterly facinated with.

so no problem right? there it is.. my life plan. not so!

the only place for me to get this 4 year course is in ontario. yes. not manitoba. ontario. Even if i could find a way to AFFORD it, they only accept 30 THIRTY yes thirty people a year.
this is competative. yikes... and i'm Green! i haven't been to any births.

so i think to myself, maybe i can get some doula work under my belt. But that isn't just a hop skip and a jump... it takes training, and a car, flexible (very flexible) hours and time... what is a girl to do?

i've missed this year's application date for the program in ontario, but i can apply next year in february. so that gives me one year to build up something to present for the INTERVIEWS they make in order to see if they want to pick you from the masses applying to become a midwife. So if i applied i would need to travel out in april for them to decide if they really want me.

i also found out this week that the job i was PLANNING on having full-time work with can only offer me part-time work all summer... yes thats a surprise. i was planning on making some good money and now i only have about 2 days a week i'm working.

i need to find more work. or should i volunteer with birthing clinics? then how do i afford to move to ontario? but if i have no experience, i won't be moving to ontario anyways. And i don't want to work outside of town (that equals a car). so should i just pick up another part-time job? or should i quit the one i'm at and find a good full-time job somewhere else? and if i quit and looked somewhere else, should i move to the city?

OK okOK so God has a great plan. I am very GLAD. cause all my plans suck.

... so whats the plan?

2008-03-21T13:11:00.001-05:00

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=100130&l=f54a8&id=661220219

lets see how this works. these are pictures of my last weekend in minaki ontario for all of you non-facebookers

2008-03-09T18:27:00.002-05:00

I have yet another mid-term tomorrow... biology. i'm really enjoying the course. its fun to find out how plants grow, how we grow, how all the beautiful little details of this plant co-ordinate to make a grand picture.

and yes, i am procrastinating. *sigh*

i just want to say one more thing.

there is something so releasing in making a spectical of yourself in a public place (especially here) because... all of these definitions you're trying to live up to... all of these ideas you are trying to portray to others about who you are or at least who you want to be... these things fly out the window, and you find yourself bare, real, and still standing on two feet, surviving. the social order doesn't collapse and you still have people who like you. actually like you. freedom? yes. i think so.

2008-03-05T22:44:00.002-06:00

EXAM TOMORROW - SOCIOLOGY

oh my... God help me.

i gave blood today and nearly fainted. don't worry! there were at least 3 nurses on the scene STAT with lots of orange juice, ice* water, and donuts. i survived and hopefully my blood will go to good use.
considering the sacrifice it was...
after all i only have so much ~~blood~~ pride to go around.

*(the nurse attending to me was very vocal about the immediate need of ice; i'm sure everyone in the building was concerned for me at that point.)

2008-02-24T00:21:00.002-06:00

hah
i just want to add i hate how i never write when i'm extremely happy. if, perchance, i became a great writer of my day, i suspect that in all of the textbooks i would be labled as one of most depressed creatures of this century.

tonight, however, i am well. satisfied and at peace. let that go down in history.

2008-02-24T00:03:00.002-06:00

why am i up so late? its tomorrow already.

feb 22 (late again)

how is it that i keep dieing but i'm not dead? i keep breaking, yet i'm not broken. reminds me of a verse i once read. something about being struck down but not destroyed...

it seems every step i take in my walk is about my death...still, hope grows.

a small seed planted in the earth, a lump of coal dieing and now breaking; now being found and chipped away at. glimmers, fractions of light shinning out from within.
(i own my name)

all this "walk" seems to be about is my death. yet it's not as painful as it first sounds. you fight, you let go (release), and realize the pre-freefall is just like holding your breath as you go through the tunnel (its so dark in there). a gasp comes, you giving up (only once you can see the light of course).

taking in that deep breath is letting go, giving up, freefalling.
you give in, stop trying to control it all
(because you realize you have no more stratgies anyways)
and WONDER OF WONDERS. your created lungs do what they were made to do. they suck in air. who would have thought letting go was so natural?

q: when does death ever equate life?

a: when death means your tap on control is dead. as long as you're in control, you'll never be free of yourself.

is truth freedom? will the truth set us free?

well then, let us know we don't have it all figured out. let us know we can stare death in the face and still see life. and let us know hope grows in the darkest places.

"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?" - 1 Cor. 15:55

2008-02-24T00:01:00.002-06:00

you can't eat your words.

most often, all you can do is swallow your pride.

~ crystal Feb 23rd 2008

2008-02-18T21:08:00.002-06:00

oh ruth. you encourage me to write. i just wish i had something poetic (or poignant) in me to say.

mel just made me a mix c.d. i really like it so far. music is so good for our hearts, no? when people sing the words right out of your heart. identified with.

this weekend i was at a hotel with some of the people i care most about on earth. i take these times for granted. these are some of the most important people to me and yet i can let a great time like this pass without getting down on my knees and thanking God for the PRIVILEDGE of knowing what love looks like with skin on.

i feel like i have so much to do this week. its reading week, which means i have plenty of time to catch up in all of my courses. thats a scary prospect, knowing myself so well. i can see the days going by with nothing to show for my breath and blinks. ah, what a waste we can make of life. ok, but the plan really is to get a lot of study done and also a lot of cleaning. by cleaning, i really mean i want to get rid of some stuff. clean out the closet. haha, oh yes the closet. in so many ways. i feel ready for spring and all the cleaning that comes with.

we had some weather this last week that was ABOVE freezing. what a beautiful flirting thing. it smelt a little like spring when the soil is moist and thawing, buds are forming, birds are chirping. dear steph and i were talking about those early spring days and how beautiful they are... the thaw.

but of course we couldn't spend too much time in wistful thinking...
we are after all only halfway through february. not yet time to be thinking about the thaw.

seasons are such beautiful things. teach us lessons every year.
there are times to bask in sunlight, times to work hard, times to harvest our fruit, times to hide away and wait for some warmth and promise, and new birth. new birth each and every year. we don't question whether spring will come. we just anticipate, wishing it would come sooner than it does.

i love manitoba. yes its cold. a little harsh. yet, its home. even on the coldest days, you will see the sun. especially on the coldest days... the sun is shining bright.

i don't expect anyone is reading all this rambling. its good to put some words down though. sitting here, listening to this pretty music from melodie. God has been so faithful to me. i can't deny it, even when i want to. (why would i want to? i don't know.)

well, whoever you are, i hope you are at peace. god bless.

2007-11-25T14:30:00.000-06:00

http://www.freerice.com/index.php

visit the link and help supply rice to people who do not have enough to eat.
easy And fun. and good.

2007-11-23T08:22:00.000-06:00

Hebrews 7:23-25
Now there have been many of those priests, since death prevented them from continuing in office; but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.

"he always lives to intercede" for me...

Hebrews 5:7-10
During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek.

~

the law was set aside because it was weak and useless to change us (Hebrews 7:18). it couldn't make us perfect... it couldn't perfect anything. BUT Jesus was MADE PERFECT through his submission, obediance, and suffering.

I wish i could follow fully in his footsteps, becoming perfect through reverent submission; however, He is in heaven, at the throne of grace interceding for me...living to intercede for me. Where i fall short of this lifestyle that brings perfection, Jesus stands in my place, taking my shame and giving me his pefection.

Good News?

2007-11-17T22:58:00.000-06:00

Ephesians 1:17-19a

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

maybe paul's prayer can be for me too.

2007-11-11T22:57:00.000-06:00

Romans 5
Peace and Joy
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith,
we[a]have peace
with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
2through whom we have gained access by faith into this
grace in which we now stand.
And we[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.
3Not only so,
but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that
suffering produces perseverance;
4perseverance, character;
and character, hope.
5And hope does not disappoint us,
because
God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

2007-11-11T22:13:00.000-06:00

you take my mourning and turn it into dancing
you take my weeping and turn it into laughing
you take my mourning and turn it into dancing
you take my sadness and turn it into joy

bring restoration...i need you to bring restoration. OH GOD
How can we do this on our own?
You are our ONLY strength. You are our ONLY hope. You are our ONLY joy.
Father, every good thing is from your hands. Don't hold back from me, God...

You give me joy. In my Soul.

All of my hope lies in you Father... i need to see your face. I need to hear your heart. God i can't do this without you. I can't make it without you.

Can He really do more than we ask or dream? Can he really wrap me up in his arms? does he care for me?

Psalm 62 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

Psalm 62
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.
1 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3 How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

4 They fully intend to topple him
from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.
Selah

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God [a] ;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah

9 Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.

10 Do not trust in extortion
or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,

12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.

2007-11-06T23:50:00.000-06:00

God... why does life have to be so painful and confusing?

i've spent some time thinking about life... and how much it is like a birth... only when we die is really when we are born.

like this labour that we are in, this life, has its ups and downs. its restful times, and its painful times. the goal though isn't found in the day to day. we can see it off in the distance... and we are running towards it...towards the day when we are "born"...towards the day when we will enter the eternal realm... "the real world" if you will.

all that said..
This sucks! contraction... pressure... pain. i don't want to go through this. i want the reward without the price. why not? Oh God... don't we need His grace? i know i can't do this on my own strength.

this i know for certain; my God is faithful and true to his promises.

what can hold me back? i know, without a shadow of a doubt (none), that God has great plans for me. Not just pretty little life plans... eternal plans. Ones that will matter after i'm through the birth. Ones that will have some sort of impact on the "real world"... the world that isn't caught up in our temporary things. The world that actually recognizes who God is. The world that has its eyes open... that heavenly realm.

And those are his huge, unimaginable plans. They rest in eternity. not simply in the next 50 years. those 50 years are merely the labour of this life... when we think of our lives, the labour that our mothers went through is a small amount of time compared to the sum of our years. in the same way, God's plans for me extend outside of the birth process and into the life, eternal life, that he has planned.

I think i can face tomorrow. and the next day. I know i need to see his face. I know i need to know his heart.

In "the little princess" movie there is a scene where the little girl of the story is sitting on her fathers lap. he is about to leave for war and she may never see him again. she runs her hands over his face gazing into his eyes. the father asks if she is memorizing him, but she replies no, she already knows him by heart.

i want to know my God like this. I want to recognize his voice and special touch on creation all around me.

i think about love and how vulnerable it makes us. we hold our hearts out with open hands... scared and exhilerated at the same time. we know that its at great risk.

the thing is God is doing the same thing for us. Not only can i see His face... i have a picture of him opening up his chest and letting me see his beating heart. Would God make himself so vulnerable to me? that i could actually reach out my hand and touch his heart... love him or dispise his gift?

that is something i can't ignore.

i want to memorize His face...and i want to know what His heart is beating for.

2007-11-05T21:06:00.000-06:00

It's monday evening. I should be studying. But what else is new?

what to say...

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
right where i am right now... in my room, studying.
2. Who are you in love with?
the armbrusters
3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
partially
4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
a purse i never use
5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
at least a couple weeks ago... with lauren i think
6. Are you wearing socks right now?
nooooo...i don't like socks.
7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
haha no
8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
this morning
9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
nope but i'd like to go
10. Are you hot?
no
11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
water
12. What are you wearing right now?
a fuzzy pink bathrobe
13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
i wash my car in the carwash.
14. Last food that you ate?
chocolate cake.
15. Where were you last week at this time?
monday night...i can't remember.
16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
no
17. When is the last time you ran?
haha um. no idea. oh, on the way home from a youth thing a couple weeks ago. mel was on a bike...
18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
probably football..
19. What is your favorite animal?
my old cat, casper... there is no other. :)
20. Your dream vacation?
it really could be anywhere...the main part of the dream is being with someone i care about.
21. Last person's house you were in?
charlotttte kehler. costume party.woo
22. Worst injury you've ever had?
rolled my ankle in basketball?
23. Have you been in love?
yes
24. Do you miss anyone right now?
very much
25. Last play you saw?
um.. it was a while ago for sure. maybe the princess bride in steinbach. i think so.
26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
hahah... wow. i don't think i can tell you that.
27. What are your plans for tonight?
stop procrastinating... or sleep a lot.
28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?
i don't like myspace. its been months since i've been on there and i couldn't tell you who it was. maybe mel. thats a safe bet.
29. Next trip you are going to take?
hopefully a road trip somewhere soon. i'm ready to take a break..
30. Ever go to camp?
mhm. rock lake, red rock, dauphin bible camp
31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
most of the time
32. What do you want to know about the future?
honestly, when i think about it, i don't want to know the future. i might spend all of my time in the present trying to get there..and that may just prevent me from it.
33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
mhm
34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
i hope not.
35. Where is your best friend?
upstairs?
36. How is your best friend?
happy and in love..
37. Do you have a tan?
hah not at all
38. What are you listening to right now?
water running through pipes in my house
39. Do you collect anything?
a lot of things...shells, papers, popcan tabs
40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
wouldn't that be gossiping?
41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
speeding in the states (after my dad got on my case for going so slow)
42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
no never. that would be lame.
43. What does your last text message say?
i don't have a last one.
44. Do you like hot sauce?
sometimes.
45. Last time you took a shower?
20 minutes ago.
46. Do you need to do laundry?
yes as usual
47. What is your heritage?
english, ukranian, scottish, irish... so i'm canadian.
48. Are you someone's best friend?
i dont think so
49. Are you rich?
not by any means
50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?
Sleeping... thank God.

2007-09-24T20:11:00.000-05:00

2007-09-24T19:57:00.000-05:00

wow...its been about two months.

so i'm working on my third full week of university. its been very interesting. i've met people in each class and have got to know quite a few people pretty well. its a little daunting to go to a class where you don't know anyone.
if any of you (supposed) readers know me well, you'll know i don't like being in crowded places by myself aka university. so i'm doing pretty good if you ask me... i'm learning to make eye contact with strangers and to not assume everyone is looking at me.
i've also started mentoring for our junior youth. this is all adding up to a pretty busy schedule. i love being a mentor so far...i wish i wasn't so wiped by the end of each night. the kids are awesome. its been lots of fun so far.
so some of my friends were talking about a life-goals list and i don't have one. i'm thinking thats because i'm afraid to not do them...if i set a goal i really want to try to do it...not some far off dream. it makes things a little difficult but here i go.

1. go on a cruise (one of those huge ships with 5 levels, staircases, lux table settings...the titanic?)
2. go to alaska.

ok so thats as far as i got. i'm thinking i can take care of both of these in one shot so its not too absurd.

my mom was out this weekend. it was really good to see her...she rode a horse! i can hardly believe that... oh and so did i. my sister thinks i looked good up there (maybe a calling i'm unaware of? i dont think so..)

i dont know what else to say. no deep thoughts. i'm just realizing day by day how much i appreciate all of my loved ones prayers for me. there are days ...yeah. it makes a difference. God hears our prayers. isn't that incredible? our voices, as small and inarticulate as they may be in this seemingly vast universe, reach his personal ears. he hears us. thats just...cool.

2007-07-23T20:36:00.000-05:00

so i think i'm pretty funny sometimes. this was a little note i left lying around once, hoping that at some point in the next week someone would notice it.

ways to be more like mel

fast 40 days
blog
get boyfriend
take on huge re-decorating projects
make collages
dance to Toby mac
wear Russian scarf
buy ipod

A few days later i heard a squawk from upstairs that preceded mel stomping downstairs to demand who had made such a list. i think i'm going to keep this little piece of paper. is that irrational?

i had a massage today. it was nice. expensive. is it irrational to pray for a husband that will rub my back? does God care if our prayers are irrational?

what is irrational anyways? i mean...are you normal? are you the judge of whats normal? cause if you are so normal, and know whats its all about, give me a call.

actually, scrap that. i dont think i want to know what normal is. i can see that being a little frightening.

GOD I HATE WAITING...dang it..

God takes you up on your prayers when you pray things like
"God make me patient" or
"God, deepen my relationship with you"....

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO CHANGE I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU DO NOT, i repeat DO NOT, PRAY THOSE PRAYERS.

its hard! and God won't let you get away, no he won't.
especially when you pray
"God i'm serious this time; don't let me ignore you"...

2007-07-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

moving growing
time to get up and go whats happening whats going to get me
moving growing

"in the past, being labeled radical was nice because it made me feel sassy, and i never had to worry about folks taking me too seriously.... what do we do when the foolishness of the cross actually makes more sense than the wisdom of the sword? what if a fragile world is more attracted to Gods vision of interdependence and sacrificial sharing than to the mirage of independence and materialism? what do we do when we are the ones who have gone sane in a crazy world?" - introduction to The Irresistible Revolution by shane clainborne.

whats going to get me moving, growing. whats it going to take? do i want it? do i want to leave this place...i hate this place but maybe i'm used to it. maybe i'm comfortable. so why am i so unsatisfied?
no. i dont want to be satisfied; i want to chase the dream, hunt it down, find it when i'm dead. and that will be my life. thats nothing to regret.

i need to step back and ask myself what i really want (over and over). what do you really want crystal?
if you keep asking for what you don't want you might end up with something you dont want.
is that deep? or did i know that in grade 2? get your head out of the clouds. you know how to find God. he's there. do you really believe that hes not talking to you? you know him better than that.

i wondered if God hears my prayers...and then i thought that maybe if God doesn't know me well, then maybe he doesn't hear me well. i know i know, in sunday school we talk about God knowing us better than we know ourselves. but i talk to myself a heck of a lot more than i talk to God. and if i never talk to him, isn't it a little like matt. 7:21-23?

"Knowing the correct password—saying 'Master, Master,' for instance— isn't going to get you anywhere with me. What is required is serious obedience—doing what my Father wills. I can see it now—at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, 'Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.' And do you know what I am going to say? 'You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don't impress me one bit. You're out of here.'

relationshippppppppppppppppp
with God
knowing him
and having him know you
maybe those who spend a little more time with him
have their prayers a little more heard.
does that fly in the face of what i believe? let me think about it

2007-07-09T18:25:00.000-05:00

Do memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Memories can hold a person back or spur a person forward. The difference between the two persons is their sense of fortitude while facing their memories. Often our memories hold a huge dose of pain and regret. The person who is able to face their past problems and continue on will develop strength of character. With developed strength of character, success is sure to follow. A person who is unable to stare into their past and move on will not be able to leave a place of stagnency.
When my parents had their divorce, i left my childhood home. in the years that followed i would often think about our house. i would try my best to remember the placement of each nick knack. It was a painful memory, yet i could not let myself forget one detail. I was determined to buy the house back when i grew up. i planned to decorate it exactly as it had been.
Now, a decade later, i am finally able to let go of something that will never come to pass. The home will never be as it once was, and neither will I. I am now able to look forward to something even more spectacular; not my faded memory but a much more incredible reality.
Only in the continued effort of facing my past pain am I able to look towards something bigger. We, as humans, must face our problems; not only learning from them, but also simply being able to remember without the fear, or heartbreak. As we step forwards, we can say that our past will not hold us back. We can say that is has no power over our future steps. We are here and now, knowing full well where we come from and full well that we have even farther to go; growing, changing, and taking our problems in stride with fortitude and assurance that we are stronger for it.

- Crystal Dawn
on practising her essay writing
open to any constructive criticism

2007-07-09T12:59:00.001-05:00

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
Ephesians 3:20

sometimes i think i am asking some pretty big things of God... big plans for my life and loved ones...

His plans are infinitely bigger than mine? And He's ABLE. thats such good news... i dont even know how to process that.

2007-06-06T20:55:00.000-05:00

I have seen a million miles of desert land, and I have learned to be free.
And I have walked the shadow lands of Egypt, and I have learned to be free.
And I have held the mane of untamed horses, and I have learned to be free.
And I have walked on frozen lakes in my soul, and I have learned to be free.

And I have known the price of love, And given all I have for a moment's time with you. And I have died a thousand times, And I have learned to be free.

And I have lost what only death could take from me, and I have learned to be free.
And I have gained what only life could give to me, and I have learned to be free.

And I have craved and walked away in the silence, and I have learned to be free. And I have looked into the face of injustice, and I have learned to be free.

thanks heather clark

2007-06-01T13:05:00.001-05:00

i know i'm ok the way i am; stop telling me that (please don't).
i just... want to be more (i'm ok, right?).
or feel more full ( you're enough, i know I KNOW).
i talk to you about it all the time but you just tell me what i already know
(i can't remember the last time i heard you).

i dont know what i'm asking for. i just need something....
You're God. you should know what that something is.

am i being too demanding?
my life is pretty good. what more could i ask for?
oh God

2007-05-31T17:43:00.000-05:00

Would it spoil some vast eternal plan??????????

2007-05-12T14:00:00.001-05:00

i've never seen the colour green before this spring, no i haven't.

2007-05-11T12:57:00.000-05:00

its so hard to find my words when i'm staring at this white blank screen. typists block.

i have lots to say, starting off with this; i've realized something about myself.

i am quite content to rest in other peoples revelations.

i can listen to sermons, hear my friends and mentors talk, and become quite encouraged. i even convince myself i can build up my faith, simply by listening to others. what a crock ( i dont think i've even typed crock before)

if i think i can mantain my God-relationship simply on other peoples steam i am mistaken. because a sermon can only be so encouraging. and when i leave, i may think about it for a few hours, even a day or so. but what good is it to me?
WHERE IS MY OWN REVELATION? WHERE IS MY OWN RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD?

if i was introduced to Aladdin through a friend but only knew Aladdin by what my friend told me (however truthful and good) i would never really know Aladdin. Sure i know he has a great heart, has had trouble with honesty in the past, is desperatly in love with a princess... but none of this stuff could really impact me unless i knew him. personally. through my own interactions with him.

i'm fooling myself if i think that i can know God simply by resorting to other peoples hardwork. (mooch) i've been completely content to listen to others preach the bible, read books on other peoples experiences, and i've come to my own oppinions from that. but until i start reading my bible with the intent to learn straight from God i dont think i'm going to move from this place i'm in right now. Or i will move but i'll be learning the hard way.

i have had another thought on my walk today but i think i'll save it for later. i'm still trying to digest this one.

2007-05-09T11:20:00.000-05:00

A young girl got run over by a car right by my street the other day. yes, things do happen inbetween my home and my work. i wish this had never happened, i wish things like this weren't part of living in this life. is it really part of life? death. i dont think so. everything in me screams no. death is and never has been natural. we were made as eternal beings. thats some truth.

i brought treats to work today as its almost my birthday. tradition is we bring something sweet for our co-workers around our big day. i felt like i was on my way to church, dressed nice, carrying two tupperware containers.
everyone loved them and i blushed more than once in the praise.

so i'm on my lunch break right now. walking over here i had a thought about making something out of nothing.
we can do it!
ok not making any sense here crystal. spit it out.
if you can remember two posts back i was talking about a certain coolio who wouldn't make eye contact with me.

what if he had? each time we passed? and we could say hi?
an awknowledgement that we both are done a good day's work, and were on our way home. when we saw each other in other circumstances, we wouldn't have to talk to each other, no, but we would have a sort of kindred understanding. we had experienced something together, how ever small.
making something where there was nothing.

we can bless other peoples lives. we CAN. it really isn't so hard... this making something where before there was nothing. and its so rewarding.
taking our chances, taking every chance, and doing what we can to pour something into someone elses life.
i have a feeling that even a smile is eternal. not those little polite smiles, or sarcastic ones. no. i mean when you say something to someone and they react with a smile. reaction. they cant help it. i like to think that even something so small is worth something eternally. and isn't anything eternal worth so much more than an hour of work, of wages, of even simpy an hour on earth.
we do value time so much. and it seems like everything. but time is nothing compared to even the smallest eternal thing. am i right??

so maybe i'll try to take my own advice and make something out of nothing. why waste perfectly good opportunities?

i'm so glad no one is reading this. it means i can write whatever comes to my head and i don't need to worry about how i sound or punctuation. punctuation.
i hate punctuation. i mean, my head thought never agrees with periods; just commas and semi-colons. its just one big runon sentence in my head, all day. i like it that way.

2007-05-07T19:34:00.000-05:00

What do you do when everything you believe doesn't add up?
Do you go to your God, ask him what you really want to know?
I mean, what if there is no answer? Or worse yet...an answer you are not prepared for.
Are we so sure of our Lord's character that we can confidently go to his side and ask him the truth?
Are we sure that He has an answer?
Maybe we're afraid He's as lost as we are; that pain and suffering make as little sense to him as it does to us.
Maybe we think that there is a chance that God will turn out to be a God we don't want.

The way I see it is this; God is good. God is faithful. God has plans. Not just "getting by" plans. Uncomprehensible plans.
So if we know this...what are we afraid of?
Maybe he will answer us. And maybe it will be a good answer.

2007-05-06T21:12:00.000-05:00

she had changed her hair. yes definately an under-cut, and there were strands of pink in the front. the dogs were huge, three of them i think.
"hey"
"hey"
she looked straight into my eyes as she passed; unusual for someone her age. our age. we went to school together years ago, elementary, at a private school, where i once got a letter sent home from the principal about me disrepecting another student by muttering shutup. but that isn't the point of this.
everyone reacts one of three ways. either they stare straight ahead, unfliching, steady, with no awknowledgement of your presense; of you entering their small space for a moment in time.
or they shyly look your way at the exact appropriate time. there is a special touch for this that is only learned from practise. if you look to early you risk causing an awkward moment. if you look to late you've missed your opportunity all together.
the third reaction is one i recently held (i'm being reformed by the grace of God). this reaction assumes the idea that something else on this drudging walk is much more interesting than the person passing right beside me; that perhaps the sway of the trees or a skipping shadow, a bird flying, by holds more interest than this human. its a facade, clearly. what, on earth, is more interesting than us humans? oh how easily we allow ourselves to ignore the idea that each person has a bed (well no not everyone i realize this. work with me), has a pet peeve, has a favorite cola, a treasured childhood memory, etc. Oh yes. us humans, we all have lived, and if that doesn't make us more interesting than the sky, i dont know what would. nevermind we spend so much time making ourselves more interesting than we were to begin with. for example that day i passed the 12ish girl that sparked my thoughts, i had done my hair up nice. i had a nice pair of pants on and even makeup. and she thought she could trick me and make me think that the leaf on the ground was more interesting than me? a human? with a life? and who had taken so much time to create a picture of myself i wanted people to understand? oh good grief. a facade. it is. and i thought that i was fooling people too when i did this. well no, underneath i felt they knew my insecurity; fear to look a stranger in the face and find a person.
the most awkward situation was the consistancy of some people i crossed paths with. there was this older guy, a coolio, who i knew by name and not by anything else. everyday on my way home from work we would pass each other, me on the right side, him on the left. i'm sure he was going home from work just as i was. but he was one of the first types. he wouldn't look at me; and how awkward! i knew him, and daily would see him. Yet, because the tone of our relationship was set early at not making eye contact, there was no chance for change in the coming weeks. i haven't seen him in a week or so in case you're wondering. i hope and pray that there is no chance he would read this. i'm sure he would know i'm talking about him.
i have no conclusion but this; i will look at people and i will refuse to feel awkward or insecure when i do. they are human beings and i am interested in them even if its just for the 3 seconds when we make our polite contact, the crossing of our daily routines. i will not appologize with my eyes, plead my case..."i'm really not looking at you, forgive me."
I am and I will and I like it! so there.

2007-02-17T04:01:00.000-06:00

hey everyone...its been forever, but i thought that since our team hasn't been updating i would. we are now nearing our last week of outreach. after this week we will be taking a bus up to Panang...apparently its a beautiful area, even prettier than KL which i find hard to believe. i'm sure when i say malaysia, thoughts of a place that is beautiful and well developed dont come to mind. sure we use squatty potties but i can awknowledge now that they are actually much more hygenic and functional. the driving is tons of fun with brother charles behind the wheel but everyone has new cars....
so we're going to panang and spending a few days there "debriefing". hopefully we'll be under palm trees while doing it.
after that we're flying out of KL to vancouver on march 1st. we leave at 9:00 and arrive at 9:30 the same day even though its a very long flight. weird i know.
so keep me in your prayers. we've been having a pretty easy time of it all but we don't want to leave with regrets of what we could have done. i really want to give it my all, even though i'm feeling a little tired now. i love you all and can't wait to see you.

2007-01-03T00:22:00.000-06:00

http://www.malaysiaupdate.blogspot.com/
heres our team journal if you want to keep updated! i love you all.

2006-12-18T01:53:00.000-06:00

dear Readers,
here i am. yes. i've made it. my blog. how i've longed to fill you in. and look...its 12 a.m. and i have class tomorrow morning. woe is me.

last week was "Pioneering in Missions" (I said that with a deep loud voice). really we just sat back in our chairs, chatted a bit, and laughed at Randy our speaker. He is actually the founder of YWAM vancouver, and we've seen him around enough to know his sense of humour. it was quite entertaining.
the week before that was "Urban Outreach Week" which really is where the story lies. Frankly Vancouver has a ton of issues. did you know this? neither did i. i thought it was a quaint (Hah) pretty city with a multi-cultural sense about itself. little did i know....dum dum dum

no really. there is a lot about vancouver that many canadians don't know. or do know, but choose not to tell their wives about. the city is known for its "hospitality" for starters. one of our days consisted of what mission adventures (which runs out of the same building as us) calls Roses for Prostitutes. We formed groups of 3 or so and prayed a bit, then took off to a place about 5 blocks from my home. yes. in the neighborhood.

Look around. Warehouses. Nothing there. Not a main street. Not a store open. Nothing. Except traffic. Why on earth are so many people driving in this area at 10 p.m.? i'll give you one guess.

we found our girl after some prayerfull consideration (and a few shocks of having our others picked up 15 seconds after we past them on the sidewalk). her name was amanda and braden quite flattered her. we gave her a rose, and a little card with a verse on it. we picked the one about how we can do all things through christ who gives us strength. it was an interesting night.

another vancouver issue is D.R.U.G.S. i feel like yelling "Do hugs! NOT drugs!" but i know it'll fall on deaf ears. i can't think of many times i have walked down my sweet commercial drive, bringing my laundry to dry, or grabbing some coffee at continental, or shopping, or walking to the sky train, when i haven't smelt mary jane. yes. ITS EVERYWHERE. and no one cares. the sweet smell drifts out of doorways, and from behind bushes, and down the street. everyone is doing it. its true.
We did something called the "Downtown Plunge". If you haven't heard about Hastings and Main you should. look it up right now. it is the poorest area of canada....more homeless live in this area than anywhere else in our beautiful nation. (Its because they don't have anything similar to winter out here...you'd be surprised ...or maybe you wouldn't...at how many winnipeggers are out here). on this "plunge" we were releaved of our purses, and umbrellas, and money. anything we could barter. we we plunked in the middle of this area around 10 a.m. and were told where we could be picked up come 4 o'clock. robert, linda, and i moved out into the unknown.
hastings and main. its the section of town that, if you happen to have to stop at a light, you WILL lock your doors. the sidewalks are littered, with garbage and with people. its not a strange sight to see people with blankets laid out on the street, their precious collections spread out in hopes that you might want to trade or buy.
at carnegie (sp??) hall, there is a safe injection site. one of our groups actually went in. apparently you go in, say a number and are allowed into a completely sterile room equiped with a camera, and needle. the camera is in case you o.d. and if this is fact happens nurses are available. ,
prostitution is not illegal here. the girls are everywhere. it breaks my heart. i saw people shooting up. i saw deals. i saw girls giving themselves away. i saw so many people who didn't have their right mind about them
in the area, sometime during the 80's there was a asylum that decided to try something different; they shut their doors and placed all of the patients on the street, telling them to fend for themselves. no one to make sure they are taking their meds. no one to moniter where and what they do. the sellers take notes, of course. and sooner faster than later many of these people are addicted.
this is what downtown vancouver looks like. after that week i took on such an appreciation for what YWAM is actually doing here in this city.
oh and by the way, the downtown is actually the most evangelised area of canada too. ask me one day and i'll tell you all of the stuff that is offered there. its really simply amazing.

our last week of lectures start tomorrow. Wade and Jo are speaking. giving us the lowdown on outreach; how to pack, what to expect. it should be good. i'm getting really nostalic already. keep in mind i wont be with half of my fellow students come outreach. half of us are going to malaysia and the other half to indonesia.
Sam, Jaimie, Linda, and i are staying here for christmas. we have a few plans and it should be fun. Linda has been missing home so much lately. i do believe i'm closest to her out of all of the girls. thankfully shes coming with me on outreach.

i love you guys. i miss you guys. i wish i was around to see everyone get married, and to celebrate all these babies, and to simply give you all a hug and a kiss. but till march, please know you are all dear to me.

p.s. i leave Jan 1st. Wow.....

2006-12-13T20:16:00.000-06:00

hey guys; this will be quick. i haven't had a lot of internet access and as we speak i'm merely snuck onto eriks computer...i'm not sure where he is but he may return at any moment. anyhow i just wanted to let you all know that i am still alive and breathing; last week was a really crazy week and hopefully i will be able to find time to tell you all about it. i'm making plans for christmas out here. i hope to get a gingerbread kit (not homemade but i'll have to deal). it should be fun. any ideas for some fun stuff a couple of people can do on a christmas eve night? i love you all very much and so appreciate getting your letters. i miss you! *hugs*
~crystal

2006-11-25T11:13:00.000-06:00

Allo! its saturday morning. wow, what a week! at some points i thought it would never end and now i'm surprised to see another week has flown by.
on sunday jessa and i hopped on the skytrain and went downtown. we were walking around and just as we were about to go into hmv we heard someone beckoning us. we turned around to see a cute young girl (21) and her friend approaching us. the girl began to ask me if i would let her cut my hair (as if i needed any pursuasion). she gave me her card and told me that i should be there at 1 the next day. long story short, i worked it out with my leaders (it cut into our outreach prep time) and i got my hair cut! for free! it was awesome. the place is called rain boutique and...well lets just say it wasn't a place that i would usually frequent. definately fun
tuesday was chili wagon and i wasn't having a good day. we had finished classes and at about 6 we go over to help gordy with the chili that we serve later on at granville park. this ministry has been going on for something around 15 years, but right now the neighbors are proposing that we move because we bring drug dealers and other stuff to the park. we were having people that use chili wagon fill out questionares so i got to talk to a lot of people. i dont usually, so it was a nice change. i met a guy named tony who has actually been to kuala lumpur (the city i'll be living in in malay). i couldn't believe it; this random man, living in the middle of van city, homeless, would be able to tell me about his story of sailing all over my mission field. i was blessed. i also got to spend a little time we a sweet little lady named dee. so my mood was altered for a bit.
by the time wednesday came around i was crying. it was a difficult night and i was pretty pouty. thursday morning instead of lectures we had ministry time. so all my tears came out and i guess i kinda got down to the meat of everything that had been bothering me.
friday three of us got baptised! it was awesome. brielle, erik, and robert got baptised. all afternoon friday i was out shopping with sam and jen. i bought myself a hoodie. but i'm still looking for christmas presents. this next week is on spiritual warfare and a lady named Patience is speaking. we've drawn names out of a hat, and we are all angles for people right now. we got to do little things secretly for each other this next week.
today i'm going with 3 other girls to help babysit for the staff retreat. i have to admitt the only reason i agreed is because we get to stay in a hotel with a pool. i know, selfish. but at least i'm honest. hah. it should be fun. pray i get all of my homework done. i have to do all of my journal, finish readin captivating and do the book report on it. and there are probably other things that i can't remember right now too.

braden, sam, jake, stephan, robert
rene, jessa, hillary, brielle
me, laura, jen, laura h., linda, mark
aubreyy, adam, jaime,
erik

2006-11-23T10:56:00.000-06:00

thursday morning; i have about 5 minutes before i have to get out of here. i've had a lot up in the last week. i got a haircut! its a great story and i'll try to post it when i have more time. the lectures have been really good; the guy's name is tom. teddy bear tom for sure. yesterday was a really hard day for me. i cried quite a bit but i dont think anyone here really knows that. i'm pro at the silence cry. you know what i'm talking about. anyways, even after a good sleep i'm still a little sad so it may come up again. today we are going to be doing a lot of prayer for deep personal issues so since i'm already in an unstable state...well, hah, lets just say it might get a little messy. i love you guys and miss you all. pray for me! *hugs*

2006-11-18T00:50:00.000-06:00

i miss you guys tonight. my fingers feel funny from playing guitar all day.

2006-11-17T00:50:00.000-06:00

Alrighty. well i remembered what it was that i wanted to write down. i want to make a list of all of the volcabulary of our dts so far. linda is going to help me so here it goes.

1. yyeah ya did! (these are said very loudly) brielle owns these
2. YYeahhh y'are!
3. nutang! (aka nothing) sam created this one
4. i'm not going to lie! this is ______ etc etc
5. "for serious this time" brielle again
6. lekkerding (dutch for hot stuff...like a hot boy)
7. drop it like its hot (i don't want to talk about this one)
8. hey guy...( everyone is always called guy; used instead of "man")
9. MEOW (like a simease cat)
10. who am i who am i? * represent*
11. sammy sammy sammy sam!
12. brbrbrbrbrriiielle!
13. "oh crystal..." - linda
14. its the promise land! - the sas. boys, erik and braden
15. "i made coffee/chai tea if anyone wants some" - laura
16. hagelslag - no one can say it, don't worry, its not you.
17. geheugenstatus - this ones harder
18. HHHEEeeeyyyy....what ya doin? - jessa always talks with a lisp for fun.
19. hey look its tuna (adam calls jessa tuna) *i dont know
20. "this ones for free" - mark (our school leader)
21. i LOOOVE this ( insert love for hate at all times)
22. there a party in your brain?
23. ssstop
to be continued......
there are more and i will try to remember them as they come along.

2006-11-16T17:19:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone! well i feel like i have lot to update you with. where to start!

this week mom and jerry were in town so i got to go out for coffee with them. it was nice to see a familiar face here. our week of classes were on holiness and the fear of the Lord. mark (our school leader) was the speaker for this week. it was really good. we just finished up this morning.
we had our mid-dts evaluation thing. we get to tell mark what we really think about everything (muah ha ha) ok so i don't have much to complain about. i wish there was more worship but i always wish there was more of that. the coolest part of it all was that he had a word for me. i'll try to get it all out, for your benefit as well as mine.

Crystal, i see you like a big treasure chest. like those ones in pirate movies. really beautiful, holding a lot. when you open it, its fill to the brim with every treasure known to man. but the thing is you never open the lid. when you want to get something out, you crack it open, just wide enough to stick your hand in to pull out what you're looking for.

so i think thats about it. i do feel that way...a lot of the time i feel pregnant with things to say, ideas to share and feelings to express. i feel like a full person but a lot of the time i feel ashamed of what i have at the same time.like i would be proud if i opened up my gifts. i feel like if i'm beautiful, i'll be asking for trouble. i'll be saying "Hey look at me, i'm awesome, i'm better than everyone else." the thing is that in trying to avoid it, i cover up myself, and honestly i'm no good to anyone when i'm covered up. (i'm talking in a spiritual sense. i'm not saying that from now on i'm planning on joining the nudest colony) so..how do i be myself? THIS IS THE QUESTION OF THE SEASON. i know who i am...but can i let everyone else know? without feeling proud? without acting proud? erg.

i got a letter from dad and from the bergens today. it makes me so happy to get letters. i miss you guys so much. i love to have tangible home.

hmm i can't remember what else i want to say. hopefully it will come to me. love you. yes, you.

2006-11-11T12:38:00.000-06:00

hey guys. laundry is ready to dry! yes. honestly you cannot appreciate this until you have lived in a community setting. my goodness. this little girl got herself up at 7 to do laundry. yes she did. and at 7:45 to put in the next load. who does that? people who live in community. you might think that it seems like a great hassle for clean clothes but i'm telling you the hardest part is about to come. now that i have a basket of wet clothes weighing in around 30 pounds, i need to get it dry. if you know anything about vancouver know this; clothes DO NOT dry when hung up. they hang there wet day after day until they stink. they're still wet. its gross. so as we have no dryer in the house we must lug our heavy baskets of laundry approx 2 and a half blocks down the drive. i suppose it doesn't seem that bad. really. but its all about the hassle. just think. the chances of rain seem like 50/50 out here. its always raining. today i seem to have lucked out for the time being. no rain. but that doesn't mean that it won't rain in the next 30 minutes. PLUS do i want to go alone? now i need to find Another girl who is in the same situation as me; a large basket of wet clothes. does she want to stay at the laundry mat? does she want to shop? will her load only take 20 minutes and mine 30? i'm telling you its hard! and i know people are staring at us as we walk down the street. k

so after linda and i (shes my girl) get our laundry done we're going to go shopping. i lost alll of my eyebrow ring bally things and then a couple of days ago one of the ones i was wearing disappeared so now i really need to get one. i'm also looking to get myself another nalgene cause it sucks not having it here with me. thats the plan. oh and i'll fit all of my homework in there somewhere too. aubrey want the computer now so i'm going. i love you guys. :D

2006-11-10T23:44:00.000-06:00

this is hillary and jen at the hockey game that we went to last month. hillary will be my one-on-one during outreach. jen's going to indonesia.
aubrey, jen, me on thanksgiving day.

i got a letter from home this afternoon. thanks! i love you guys!
tonight we had our "mandatory fun" as some of the staff have called it. its our social night for the month...the guys planned it! so you will be surprised to find out that we all baked cookies together, and while they were baking we played sardines in the pitch black church. it was lots of fun until eric hid in the boiler room and NO one could find him forever. i feel sick now (not because i've been eating so many cookies) the last few days i've been feeling gross everytime i eat. i'll be glad to go to bed right away. And glad to sleep in tomorrow morning! yeah!...feel free to call tomorrow! i should be around all of the morning, and probably a lot of the afternoon/evening.