itslastcall

she had changed her hair. yes definately an under-cut, and there were strands of pink in the front. the dogs were huge, three of them i think.
"hey"
"hey"
she looked straight into my eyes as she passed; unusual for someone her age. our age. we went to school together years ago, elementary, at a private school, where i once got a letter sent home from the principal about me disrepecting another student by muttering shutup. but that isn't the point of this.
everyone reacts one of three ways. either they stare straight ahead, unfliching, steady, with no awknowledgement of your presense; of you entering their small space for a moment in time.
or they shyly look your way at the exact appropriate time. there is a special touch for this that is only learned from practise. if you look to early you risk causing an awkward moment. if you look to late you've missed your opportunity all together.
the third reaction is one i recently held (i'm being reformed by the grace of God). this reaction assumes the idea that something else on this drudging walk is much more interesting than the person passing right beside me; that perhaps the sway of the trees or a skipping shadow, a bird flying, by holds more interest than this human. its a facade, clearly. what, on earth, is more interesting than us humans? oh how easily we allow ourselves to ignore the idea that each person has a bed (well no not everyone i realize this. work with me), has a pet peeve, has a favorite cola, a treasured childhood memory, etc. Oh yes. us humans, we all have lived, and if that doesn't make us more interesting than the sky, i dont know what would. nevermind we spend so much time making ourselves more interesting than we were to begin with. for example that day i passed the 12ish girl that sparked my thoughts, i had done my hair up nice. i had a nice pair of pants on and even makeup. and she thought she could trick me and make me think that the leaf on the ground was more interesting than me? a human? with a life? and who had taken so much time to create a picture of myself i wanted people to understand? oh good grief. a facade. it is. and i thought that i was fooling people too when i did this. well no, underneath i felt they knew my insecurity; fear to look a stranger in the face and find a person.
the most awkward situation was the consistancy of some people i crossed paths with. there was this older guy, a coolio, who i knew by name and not by anything else. everyday on my way home from work we would pass each other, me on the right side, him on the left. i'm sure he was going home from work just as i was. but he was one of the first types. he wouldn't look at me; and how awkward! i knew him, and daily would see him. Yet, because the tone of our relationship was set early at not making eye contact, there was no chance for change in the coming weeks. i haven't seen him in a week or so in case you're wondering. i hope and pray that there is no chance he would read this. i'm sure he would know i'm talking about him.
i have no conclusion but this; i will look at people and i will refuse to feel awkward or insecure when i do. they are human beings and i am interested in them even if its just for the 3 seconds when we make our polite contact, the crossing of our daily routines. i will not appologize with my eyes, plead my case..."i'm really not looking at you, forgive me."
I am and I will and I like it! so there.