People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYtk1Z0UUuE

It's funny.

Sometimes I seem to believe that God has been created for me.

You know, designed to meet my needs, pat me on the back, collect my tears, affirm me in every area, be the ultimate friend, the ultimate lover, always calling me, always pursuing me.

And though these characteristics are very like my God, there is something missing in the picture.

He isn't always at my beck and call.
These moments get to me, the moments when I'm frustrated with my failings, frustrated with my lack, frustrated with the world. and the phone STILL isn't ringing.
Why isn't my God meeting my needs? I mean, after all, that's what he's there for, right?

Well, (oh, the painful lessons)
in being the ultimate lover, the ultimate friend, the ultimate father, God does not always meet me where and how I expect (and even demand) of him.
My God is wild and I can't wrap my head around him.
He doesn't do things to the rhythm of an equation, he doesn't always meet me where and when I want him to.
He doesn't always pat my heart and soothe my fears the way I want him to.

This is a hard place to be, broken hearted, and longing for intimacy with my Lord. Yet, I'm always reminded in these desperate times, how feeling passionate (although frustrated) is better than no feeling, no contending, no working out. Is this his way of reminding me how I just can't live without him? Is this his way of reminding me how I'm just not complete without him in my life?

Working out my salvation... working out my relationship with my Lord God... it's hard work, painful, sweat and tears, and yet the joy (these shining glimmers that seep through from some heavenly place) pushes me, thrusts me on.

I must persist.
I cannot abandon this.
I must allow his love, his wild, unpredictable, yet undeniably GOOD love to woo my heart.

I have faith that this battle will one day be over,
and I will see clearly the face of love, and the lover of my soul.

When you stare at the sun (even for a moment) it's hard to see anything else afterward.

When you stare at the Son (even for a moment) it's hard to see anything else afterward.

It can be a little frightening because you're not sure what will happen.

And you've heard warnings all your life.

You'll lose your vision staring like that.

But maybe I want to let go of my vision. And grab hold of a new one.

The blinding light that steals my own sight and forces me to rely on a new way of seeing the world - unfamiliar and vulnerable - not knowing where my steps are taking me.

but maybe I can trust Him.

After all, He is the author of every good thing in my life.
My own vision would have taken me so far away from this place I find myself in right now.
I wouldn't trade this place for any other.

So I'll continue to stare at the sun,
despite the liars whispering around me reminding me I'm losing my control.
I smile because it's true. And it's the safest place to be.
No strength but what He gives.
And no vision, but what He sees.
And absolutely no safety but the faith I have in His good plans.

Infinitely better than mine.

I am so blessed. I feel that I am blessed beyond comparison.
This has been such an amazing month for me.
I've been overwhelmed by God and his goodness, his gifts, his presence, his encouragement for my life.
I'm not sure how I deserve to be so rich in all things that matter, but it seems to be the way this spring season has started.

And yet, I can't help wonder again and again why I, of all people, am on the receiving end of so much love.
Who am I?
Why me?
Why not the next lonely girl?

There are so many people in this world, down your street, down mine, living their lives feeling completely alone.
Their feelings are justly so, as they are truly alone.

HOW CAN IT BE?

I want to love. I want to bless.
(no, it's not just that...)

You know what?
I want to be a person that loves first. that blesses first.

BECAUSE

What good is it if I only love those that love me?
What good is it if I only bless those that are in the position of blessing me?

Then it ends with me.

I don't want the fruit of God's love to die in my hands, selfishly hording it, gorging myself on it, and never scattering seeds, never seeing new fruit.

What good is my loved one's investment in me if I don't in turn love?
They might as well be hiding their cash in their mattresses.

I can only offer what I have.
Yet God has blessed me beyond comparison.
I have much.
What can I do with it?

I'm glad God is big enough to use small things.

it's more than i can contain
more than i can maintain
am i big enough for this?

and who am i anyways
working towards something bigger than me
working for something i can't see...

...just hear

and i hear you almost everyday
not sure of all the ways
i hear
but you do, do, do talk to me

and I'm sort of sure that you're proud of me
and I'm almost sure that you love me
and I'm pretty sure that I'll never do it all right
but I'm completely sure you'll be there on the other side.

so what can i bring
these small hands
tossing sand at
miles of sea

so what can i bring
these small words
chasing ideals
i can't see

so the picture is painted
it's bigger than i
and I'm looking up at the vast expanse
of this broken sky

and i know you want to work
and i know you have spoken
and i know you made plans
and I'm completely sure you'll be there on the other side.
I'm completely sure you'll be there on the other side.

ooo Okay, it's been a long time, and I've probably lost my readers. My apologies.

Life has been a whirl-wind since being home.

Last night I shared at youth, and although I will always be second-guessing my approaches or points, I hope and pray that the kids got something out of it.

I shared about justice, my heart for it, God's heart for it, and even ventured to get some people thinking about what they can do about it. It's all such a scratch on the surface, but sitting there last night, in the silence while the kids were writing, I realized I was currently doing what I had been wanting to do. I was moving information.

So currently I'm looking for a few things.

1.
I'm looking for ministries that are currently working in our area that have needs; specific needs for specific materials or skills.
I would love to collect that information and if you can help me out, PLEASE DO. Anything you can think of or have heard about... pass it on.

I know I can't do anything alone.

2.
I'm trying to "collect people" in the sense of this:
I want to know if you are interested in helping according to what you love to do.
(please don't volunteer to do things you can't stand doing)

I am such a big fan of doing what you love. It's becoming more and more real to me.
If you want to make a difference, and don't know how, lets talk.
Seriously.
I want to "collect you" and your skills so that when I find someone who needs that specific something, I will only be a call away from making that connection.

I can honestly say I'm happy to be home in Niverville. It took a while, but I think my heart was simply jetlagged (...for several weeks...).
I'm so thankful for my community. I love you all very much.

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