itslastcall

I've noticed a correlation (thankyou psych). when i read my bible in the morning, i do not complain as much as i do on days when i do not read my bible. Now this is rather significant for me as of late, my complaining has been driving me up the wall. even in stating this, i'm bothered at my complaint of my complaining... i think you get the point. its something i try not to do. the more i try, the more i complain. i try really hard, turn one way and then before i realize it, the day is over and i've spent most of my conversations on complaining... about the weather, about rude people, about not having any money, about needing to study, about wasteing time, about... nd the list goes on. there are other areas of my life where this battle rages... my good intentions (:) which eileen informed me, pave the way to hell) seem to make things worse. nothing helps. no conviction. no determined furrow of the brow, no cry to God. it all seems in vain.

and then there are the days when i pull myself out of bed, even 5 minutes before i absolutely need to, get some coffee and cereal, and sit down to read. today i read... and while i can't say that i haven't complained at all, i can feel that today is a thankfull day. its raining, but its not the dreary rain of "my life sucks", its something refreshing and cozy, a gift, and i'm reminded of many places that haven't seen rain in a very long time.

i read only half a chapter. thats peanuts right? some great christian i am. i mean, i didn't get up at the 7 o'clock hour i had designed for myself... more like 10 to 8. and that meant that i had to read over my bowl, which was pretty precarious today... a little tired, a little out of sorts, a little distracted. but i did catch this:

"Through him and for his name's sake, we received grace and apostleship to call people from among all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith"

" For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that if by faith from first to last, just as it is writeen: 'The righteous will live by faith.' "

Romans 1

so... there we have it. what can i say? my obedience, which MUST stem from a internalized desire to be obediant, comes from looking to God's face and saying, Yes.
Yes, i love you. Yes, i'm here to serve you. Yes, i want to hear your heart.

My faith, in its tiny capacity, is the seed that is growing, maturing, changing my heart. its not my heart that i need to change, its the seed that i need to foster. does that make sense?

all of my efforts to make myself better, all of the efforts directed at changing my heart are in vain. the only effort that can make a difference is to nurture the small seed of faith that brings obediance and freedom in Christ. The Gospel.