itslastcall

It's funny.

Sometimes I seem to believe that God has been created for me.

You know, designed to meet my needs, pat me on the back, collect my tears, affirm me in every area, be the ultimate friend, the ultimate lover, always calling me, always pursuing me.

And though these characteristics are very like my God, there is something missing in the picture.

He isn't always at my beck and call.
These moments get to me, the moments when I'm frustrated with my failings, frustrated with my lack, frustrated with the world. and the phone STILL isn't ringing.
Why isn't my God meeting my needs? I mean, after all, that's what he's there for, right?

Well, (oh, the painful lessons)
in being the ultimate lover, the ultimate friend, the ultimate father, God does not always meet me where and how I expect (and even demand) of him.
My God is wild and I can't wrap my head around him.
He doesn't do things to the rhythm of an equation, he doesn't always meet me where and when I want him to.
He doesn't always pat my heart and soothe my fears the way I want him to.

This is a hard place to be, broken hearted, and longing for intimacy with my Lord. Yet, I'm always reminded in these desperate times, how feeling passionate (although frustrated) is better than no feeling, no contending, no working out. Is this his way of reminding me how I just can't live without him? Is this his way of reminding me how I'm just not complete without him in my life?

Working out my salvation... working out my relationship with my Lord God... it's hard work, painful, sweat and tears, and yet the joy (these shining glimmers that seep through from some heavenly place) pushes me, thrusts me on.

I must persist.
I cannot abandon this.
I must allow his love, his wild, unpredictable, yet undeniably GOOD love to woo my heart.

I have faith that this battle will one day be over,
and I will see clearly the face of love, and the lover of my soul.